Lesson 17: Sleeping

The question of sleep:
Some people don't need it.
Some people like it.
Some LOVE it.
And others cannot function without x hours of it.

I happen to be the latter. I require a solid 9 hours of sleep to feel sane and rejuvenated. My boyfriend on the other hand, can make do with 6.
So the question then becomes, "How does a couple adjust to differences in sleeping patterns?"

Case 1:
When I want to go to sleep, I lay down, close my eyes, and in the quiet solitude of my room, quickly fall into a deep slumber.
My "partner" (if you will) does not enjoy a 10 p.m. bedtime. In fact, he would like to push it back about 2 hours.

No problem right? I can stay up a little later, he can lay down a little earlier, and I'll likely be sound asleep by the time he crawls in.
EXCEPT if your partner needs some sort of mental relaxation tool to fall asleep.
I don't understand this, but apparently it is not gender-orientated, it is just how some people are wired.

Case 1b:
A friend of mine likes to read before falling asleep. She claims it soothes her and helps her doze off.
My boyfriend enjoys watching cartoons to help him mentally "turn off" for the evening.

This to me is bizarre. I mean, if I can't fall asleep right away, I just do some yoga-esque breathing and I'm asleep like a baby.

However, trying to be open-minded, I agree to the television being on for a short period of time.
I figured one half-hour show should suffice-- NOT three hour-long episodes of Star Trek (don't get me wrong, I love NTG, but not at midnight when its breaking up my zen-like sleeping state).

The situation that really "grinds my gears" is when I awake at 3 am (and trust me, you don't want to wake me at 3 am) to find the t.v. still on as SOMEONE neglected to turn it off.

Where is the resolution?
"Reader friend" from above claims that participating in said activities in the next room is pointless, as by the time you realize your eyes are heavy, get up, close the book, turn off the lights, walk down the hallway, and crawl into bed, you are wide awake again.

How can this be resolved? Does this mean Sound Sleepers have to sacrifice an hour plus of my precious sleep time so their Sleep-Not-Needed partner can unwind properly? Does this mean that the Sleep-Not-Needed partner must run on even less sleep as they can't unwind in bed at night?

Case 2: The morning riser
Generally, the Sleep-Not-Needed partner also happens to be a Morning Riser. Not always, as sometimes their clock is just set back a few hours, resulting in the Night-Hawk-Morning Hater character.

I happen to be the Sound-Sleeper as well as a Morning Hater. I detest the sound of any alarm clock. I don't want to be awake until the sun is nearly at its daily peak.

My boyfriend, the Sleep-Not-Needed/Morning Riser has learned quickly that waking me up before I'm ready is a bad, bad idea. In fact, he refuses to try to wake me up even if I request so the evening prior as it usually results in one of two situations:
a) horrible and grouchy whining, telling him to "Leave me alone!"
b) Still sleeping response of "5 more minutes" which occurs about 15 times until, 1.5 hours later, I decide to get up.

I'm the same with an alarm clock. I like to set it a little early, so I can take advantage of the snooze button. I also set the clock 7 minutes fast, so that I wake up slowly each time practicing my 7X table trying to figure out if I can push snooze just one more time.

Case 2b:
Apparently not all partners are this accommodating. A couple of friends of mine were recently discussing how this is a point of contention: Partner A sets the alarm for 5 am, hitting snooze until she finally gets up at 8 am. Partner B (also a Morning Hater) is irate that his slumber is being disturbed every 9 minutes but a gawd-awful beeping noise.

I would hypothesize that two Morning Haters are not always the best combination.

Case 3: Sleeping after nighttime sex
The eternal predicament: how long after sex must one lay in bed? What is acceptable? Do you wait until your partner is sleeping? Are you obligated to sleep with them afterwards? If you are not a Sound Sleeper and require a mental-unwind, is it rude to turn on the Simpson's and have the romantic mood interrupted by Homer's childish wit?

I personally think that a mandatory 10 minutes needs to be put in. Especially if you didn't put in 10 minutes before it all began.
Then, if you feel its necessary, go and play Halo, watch UFC, or whatever other "relaxing" activities you feel necessary to fall asleep.

Case 4: The disturbances
There are several nighttime habits that are disruptive to a good night's sleep.
i) the tosser:
Cannot lay still, constantly moving and shifting
ii) the blanket-stealer
Inch by inch wrapping their body in all the covers so you are left with no sheet and the icy winds of winter.
iii) the bed-hog/bum sleeper/starfish
Taking far more than half of the bed, either in the starfish position, or the curled tuck position where you are constantly being bumped by their ass in your space.
iv) the loud breather
Usually associated with those who don't breathe through their nose, loud breathers often sleep mouth open, wheezing away the night.
v) the all-night bladder party
Those with the world's weakest bladder that are constantly up and back to the washroom.
vi) the snorer
Nose respiration issues, where that loud chainsaw sound continues no matter how hard you kick them, what side they lay on, or how many times you wake them. Always resulting in the following:
Partner A: "Wake up. You're snoring again"
Partner B: "No I'm not. I don't snore"
Partner A: "Yes, you woke me up with it"
Partner B: "You're having a weird dream"
Partner A: "Roll over."
Partner B: (10 minutes later...snore begins).

These too complicate varying sleeping patterns.

Options:
1. The couch.
Spacious, your own blanket, and quiet atmosphere.
2. Earplugs and eye-mask.
So you're not really sexy. But at least you're getting your beauty sleep.
3. Two bedrooms.
Takes the romance out...or does it? Maybe you'd have more sex if your partner didn't hate you for keeping them up the night before...

Would love your feedback: thoughts? Suggestions?

Lesson 16: Bitchy brides and weddings (part 2)

Summer is here! The weather is hot, the sun is shining, and wedding season is approaching quickly.

Months ago, I wrote about a few bitchy bridal antidotes, and the list continues to grow. The appalling things I have witnessed now extend past the bride, to other wedding party members, namely the In-laws.

Bitchy bridal experience #11
Planning the shower. Upon several suggestions, one including the bride choosing large, more expensive items for the shower if guests wanted to pool for gifts, the bride reminded me that "The shower is to SHOWER me with gifts. People shouldn't be scrimping on getting me nice things, that's just rude."
Point taken, I guess there goes my savings for fall tuition.

BB #12
For the stagette, I suggested that we make matching tshirts for attendees. Bride refuses, stating that ONLY the bridal party can have matching shirts. "I left (Friend C) out of the bridal party for a reason and I don't want her to feel included in the shower, so she cannot have anything that the bridal party is getting."

BB#13
Ring flaunting. Bride tells me story of how at a restaurant she sees an old friend from college. Bride flashes her ring and then proceeds to tell Old Friend, "Hmph. Guess mine is a lot bigger than yours", before tossing hair and walking away. In disbelief I asked her "Why would you do that?" and she responded, "Because I can."


BB#14
Bride is complaining that she cannot find any suitable lingerie for the wedding as "Its all too big on me. I mean, not only fat girls get married." She then goes on to tell me about a cute teddy she found that would have fit "Someone YOUR size, but practically fell off me."

BB#15
Shower games drafts must be submitted to bride prior to shower. Both her fiancee and future in-laws are clueless that she was a tramp in college, and anything that might reveal the fact she not only slept around in university, but had a corresponding reputation, is to be prohibited.

The other fascinating creatures in weddings are the mother-in-laws.
MIL #1
I am handed a date, a list of 25 people, and told that I am in charge of a shower that I must host at my mother's house from the MIL.
*Now, I have no qualms about hosting a shower, however I feel that the date, location, and guest list should be at my discretion*

MIL#2
After 5 women declined from said shower, the MIL promptly invited five replacement relatives (distant relatives), to ensure that "They get enough gifts from their registry".
Keep in mind that the shower in question is 90% relatives from groom's side, and 10% friends and family from bride's side. *I will now have to host a second shower for those that I couldn't invite to the first due to lack of space with so many weirdo old women invited by the MIL*

I also have made the following observations about weddings in general:
1. If you work in a bridal shop, they must ask on the application: "Are you a giant bitch?"
If you check "Yes", then you get the job.
2. Bride rivalries seem to be a common theme. Once engaged, brides seem to have the following expectations:
a. They will be the only wedding in the world using a particular song for their wedding. COME ON. Everyone walks down the aisle to Pachebel in D. You cannot throw a hissy fit if someone else wants to use it.
b. That people will only want to discuss YOUR wedding.
c. That everyone else envies you. And wants to stare at your ring.
Apparently getting married is the apex of being feminine.
d. The colours you choose, flower arrangements, centerpieces, etc. will be original to your wedding.
3. Weddings are probably far more enjoyable as a male.
-You rent a tux.
-You book a tee time and drink beers for the stag.
-Your girlfriend worries about choosing the wedding gift.
-The groom will not freak out about what hair style you choose or insist that you tan 3 months prior to pictures.


I am fully confident that if or when I choose to get married, I will elope. No showers, no flowers, no expensive dresses never to be worn again, no invitation making, no crash-dieting, no insane MIL, no caterer, no mandatory marriage classes in a church, no expensive hair and makeup appointments, no uncomfortable receiving line with unknown relatives.....

Let me summarize with Lesson 15:
The "fairy tale wedding" is a crock of shit. Hallmark has successfully pulled off the greatest scam in history: making women world-wide believe that weddings are magical and the most special day in a woman's life.
Weddings in fact are an expensive year's worth of stress. No one forewarns of the hassles involved in wedding planning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that a wedding day is special. Just don't forget the other 11 months worth of financing and preparation that are far from "magical".

Lesson 15: Be afraid, you are your mother.

This is not really a "lesson" per se, but a personal revelation.

I am now 24. When my parents were my age, they were married and shortly after I was conceived. No, the mystery isn't how this happened. I'm well aware what went on. Or still goes on. Whatever...good for them. The point is that my mother is exactly 25 years older than I am.

My mom is a fascinating woman. At 24, I'm still afraid of making her angry. As a child, there was nothing more frightening than the wrath of my mother. In high school we butted heads frequently and I couldn't wait to move out on my own. When I turned 18 and moved away for university, I finally developed a kind of friendship with Mom.

Now, I have some girlfriends who are "friends" with their mom. I should qualify my statement by saying that being friends with my mom is NOT the kind of relationship where I tell her sex details, heartbreaks, gossip about friends, and talk about my deepest fears and dreams etc. It means we can now be in the same room and I can relax my shoulders and not quaver in fear I might anger her. We can go shopping together, a favorite pastime we share. The store of choice is the discount variety store. Or shoe stores. I have inherited her obsession with shoes.

The other activity we share is running in the summer. After I moved away for university, I was homesick frequently (odd, considering most of high school was spent looking forward to moving out). First year was fun, but too much beer and "college food" meant I had gained weight. My asshole boyfriend at the time loved to remind me of it, so when I moved home for the summer, my mom suggested we start running together.

Sounds great right? Maybe, if my mom hadn't run her first marathon at age 40 and still was fit enough to wear a two-piece bathing suit at the lake. Wake-up! All summer she dragged my sorry ass around town. People would drive by and see us, and later comment "I saw you and your mom running--she had quite the lead on you!". Needless to say, I didn't find it as funny as she did.

Now, 6 years later, I figure that since Mom hasn't been training, this summer I would finally not want to throw up after every run with mom. Wrong...SO wrong. We went running the other morning. I hate mornings. Mornings were meant to be spent in bed. But, at 7 am there is the knock on my door and Mom (who has already mowed the lawn, washed the floors, and done 3 loads of laundry) gets me up to go running.

We head out, and its chilly (it IS Saskatchewan), and at about the 3km point, she turns to me and goes "Do you need to stop and walk a bit?". No Mom, I'm just slower than you. Another few kilometers and she goes "Nicole, I swear I could walk faster than you're running right now." Its funny this time. I have finally realized that Mom is actually superwoman incognito.

~This is the woman who has worked shift work for 30 years. She would work 3 twelve hour night shifts in the Emergency room, go home to make my sister cupcakes for a bake sale, sew some sequins on my dance costume, drive across the province to watch me compete, not sleep for 36 hours, then go back and work another 3 day stretch.
~She's the woman that random people stop in the grocery store to thank her because she went over and above her duties to care for while their mother/brother/cousin/other relative was in ICU.
~She's the tough-love Mom: when I was sick in grade school, I knew to get out of bed and go to school anyways--her favorite line was "Take an advil and stop whining." The same Mom that would say "Nicole: stop lamenting about being fat: go for a run or get over yourself."
~The Mom I told about a jerk ex-boyfriend, who rather than saying "There, there", would tell me "He was a wiener anyways. I didn't like him. What the hell were you thinking in the first place?"
~The Mom who worked a 12 hour day shift, and showed up at the bar for my sister's stagette to dance with me on the stage, demonstrate how to properly shoot tequila, let the bartender buy her a mini-pitcher, close the bar down, and then make us greasy breakfast the next morning before going back to work.

Supermom. So I suppose its okay that she kicks my ass at running. Cooking. Baking. Cleaning.
She probably looks better than I do in a 2-piece. And she's had 3 kids.
She's a bad-ass lady who's terrifying when mad, and a lot of fun after a bottle of wine.

I've got enough of her in me to understand her, and enough of my dad to be a little afraid.
In high school I remember saying over and over, "I never want to turn out like my mom".
I've changed my mind. My mom is pretty kick-ass. And the older I get, the more I realize I'm a lot like her.

I think the lesson to be learned is we will all be like our mothers. I look at friends and realize how similar they are to their moms.
Kendra: you're totally Juanita. Karli is just like Twila!
Cass: you and Colleen should be twins.
Britt: you know you'll be just like Cathy.

Its not such a bad thing.