This is a shout out to all my girlfriends. They deserve some sort of award, for without them I would have lost my sanity long ago. You know who you are.
I have a few girlfriends who I maintain long-distance contact with via weekly/biweekly/daily emails. Sometimes its simply a run-through of our weekends, other times they make a terrific sounding board for advice.
HOWEVER,
Girlfriends are also a kind of buffer. There are days where I am NOT happy with others in my life. Rather than shooting off an angry email to said person, or worse, shooting off my mouth in a style that those who know me best is frightening, rapid, and razor-sharp, I burn off steam bitching in an email to my GFs. They console me, I feel better, and am MUCH more conducive to discussing my issues, rather than tearing a strip off someone.
They look out for you: I have a vivid memory of a near fist-fight between an ex boyfriend and a GF. She knew long before I did what a douchebag this guy was. He was being an ass, she let him have it. I broke up the fight for his safety, not hers, as she probably could have broken his arm.
I also remember a bad break-up during college. It happened at the bar (ironically the same place I met the loser), and after a tearful cab ride home it was less than 15 minutes before two GFs showed up at my door with a magnum of wine and a chick flick.
The lesson you might ask?
Love, money, success....all things to strive for in life.
But all of them fall short of having good GFs.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Lesson 18: Don't believe everything you read.
Dear Boyfriend
My blog is not the Bible.
I actually don't refer to you all the time.
I think you're pretty cool, especially when you let me sleep in and sit through 2 hours of "So You Think You Can Dance" every Wednesday night.
Or when during finals I scream in a psycho-fanatic state about the floor needing to be swept, and you just blink, let me rage, then sweep the floor and fold my laundry.
I love you, even when you keep me up the night before my final with your gawd-awful snoring.
Read this like everyone else: as a joke, something that's funny.
Love,
Me
My blog is not the Bible.
I actually don't refer to you all the time.
I think you're pretty cool, especially when you let me sleep in and sit through 2 hours of "So You Think You Can Dance" every Wednesday night.
Or when during finals I scream in a psycho-fanatic state about the floor needing to be swept, and you just blink, let me rage, then sweep the floor and fold my laundry.
I love you, even when you keep me up the night before my final with your gawd-awful snoring.
Read this like everyone else: as a joke, something that's funny.
Love,
Me
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Lesson 17: Sleeping
The question of sleep:
Some people don't need it.
Some people like it.
Some LOVE it.
And others cannot function without x hours of it.
I happen to be the latter. I require a solid 9 hours of sleep to feel sane and rejuvenated. My boyfriend on the other hand, can make do with 6.
So the question then becomes, "How does a couple adjust to differences in sleeping patterns?"
Case 1:
When I want to go to sleep, I lay down, close my eyes, and in the quiet solitude of my room, quickly fall into a deep slumber.
My "partner" (if you will) does not enjoy a 10 p.m. bedtime. In fact, he would like to push it back about 2 hours.
No problem right? I can stay up a little later, he can lay down a little earlier, and I'll likely be sound asleep by the time he crawls in.
EXCEPT if your partner needs some sort of mental relaxation tool to fall asleep.
I don't understand this, but apparently it is not gender-orientated, it is just how some people are wired.
Case 1b:
A friend of mine likes to read before falling asleep. She claims it soothes her and helps her doze off.
My boyfriend enjoys watching cartoons to help him mentally "turn off" for the evening.
This to me is bizarre. I mean, if I can't fall asleep right away, I just do some yoga-esque breathing and I'm asleep like a baby.
However, trying to be open-minded, I agree to the television being on for a short period of time.
I figured one half-hour show should suffice-- NOT three hour-long episodes of Star Trek (don't get me wrong, I love NTG, but not at midnight when its breaking up my zen-like sleeping state).
The situation that really "grinds my gears" is when I awake at 3 am (and trust me, you don't want to wake me at 3 am) to find the t.v. still on as SOMEONE neglected to turn it off.
Where is the resolution?
"Reader friend" from above claims that participating in said activities in the next room is pointless, as by the time you realize your eyes are heavy, get up, close the book, turn off the lights, walk down the hallway, and crawl into bed, you are wide awake again.
How can this be resolved? Does this mean Sound Sleepers have to sacrifice an hour plus of my precious sleep time so their Sleep-Not-Needed partner can unwind properly? Does this mean that the Sleep-Not-Needed partner must run on even less sleep as they can't unwind in bed at night?
Case 2: The morning riser
Generally, the Sleep-Not-Needed partner also happens to be a Morning Riser. Not always, as sometimes their clock is just set back a few hours, resulting in the Night-Hawk-Morning Hater character.
I happen to be the Sound-Sleeper as well as a Morning Hater. I detest the sound of any alarm clock. I don't want to be awake until the sun is nearly at its daily peak.
My boyfriend, the Sleep-Not-Needed/Morning Riser has learned quickly that waking me up before I'm ready is a bad, bad idea. In fact, he refuses to try to wake me up even if I request so the evening prior as it usually results in one of two situations:
a) horrible and grouchy whining, telling him to "Leave me alone!"
b) Still sleeping response of "5 more minutes" which occurs about 15 times until, 1.5 hours later, I decide to get up.
I'm the same with an alarm clock. I like to set it a little early, so I can take advantage of the snooze button. I also set the clock 7 minutes fast, so that I wake up slowly each time practicing my 7X table trying to figure out if I can push snooze just one more time.
Case 2b:
Apparently not all partners are this accommodating. A couple of friends of mine were recently discussing how this is a point of contention: Partner A sets the alarm for 5 am, hitting snooze until she finally gets up at 8 am. Partner B (also a Morning Hater) is irate that his slumber is being disturbed every 9 minutes but a gawd-awful beeping noise.
I would hypothesize that two Morning Haters are not always the best combination.
Case 3: Sleeping after nighttime sex
The eternal predicament: how long after sex must one lay in bed? What is acceptable? Do you wait until your partner is sleeping? Are you obligated to sleep with them afterwards? If you are not a Sound Sleeper and require a mental-unwind, is it rude to turn on the Simpson's and have the romantic mood interrupted by Homer's childish wit?
I personally think that a mandatory 10 minutes needs to be put in. Especially if you didn't put in 10 minutes before it all began.
Then, if you feel its necessary, go and play Halo, watch UFC, or whatever other "relaxing" activities you feel necessary to fall asleep.
Case 4: The disturbances
There are several nighttime habits that are disruptive to a good night's sleep.
i) the tosser:
Cannot lay still, constantly moving and shifting
ii) the blanket-stealer
Inch by inch wrapping their body in all the covers so you are left with no sheet and the icy winds of winter.
iii) the bed-hog/bum sleeper/starfish
Taking far more than half of the bed, either in the starfish position, or the curled tuck position where you are constantly being bumped by their ass in your space.
iv) the loud breather
Usually associated with those who don't breathe through their nose, loud breathers often sleep mouth open, wheezing away the night.
v) the all-night bladder party
Those with the world's weakest bladder that are constantly up and back to the washroom.
vi) the snorer
Nose respiration issues, where that loud chainsaw sound continues no matter how hard you kick them, what side they lay on, or how many times you wake them. Always resulting in the following:
Partner A: "Wake up. You're snoring again"
Partner B: "No I'm not. I don't snore"
Partner A: "Yes, you woke me up with it"
Partner B: "You're having a weird dream"
Partner A: "Roll over."
Partner B: (10 minutes later...snore begins).
These too complicate varying sleeping patterns.
Options:
1. The couch.
Spacious, your own blanket, and quiet atmosphere.
2. Earplugs and eye-mask.
So you're not really sexy. But at least you're getting your beauty sleep.
3. Two bedrooms.
Takes the romance out...or does it? Maybe you'd have more sex if your partner didn't hate you for keeping them up the night before...
Would love your feedback: thoughts? Suggestions?
Some people don't need it.
Some people like it.
Some LOVE it.
And others cannot function without x hours of it.
I happen to be the latter. I require a solid 9 hours of sleep to feel sane and rejuvenated. My boyfriend on the other hand, can make do with 6.
So the question then becomes, "How does a couple adjust to differences in sleeping patterns?"
Case 1:
When I want to go to sleep, I lay down, close my eyes, and in the quiet solitude of my room, quickly fall into a deep slumber.
My "partner" (if you will) does not enjoy a 10 p.m. bedtime. In fact, he would like to push it back about 2 hours.
No problem right? I can stay up a little later, he can lay down a little earlier, and I'll likely be sound asleep by the time he crawls in.
EXCEPT if your partner needs some sort of mental relaxation tool to fall asleep.
I don't understand this, but apparently it is not gender-orientated, it is just how some people are wired.
Case 1b:
A friend of mine likes to read before falling asleep. She claims it soothes her and helps her doze off.
My boyfriend enjoys watching cartoons to help him mentally "turn off" for the evening.
This to me is bizarre. I mean, if I can't fall asleep right away, I just do some yoga-esque breathing and I'm asleep like a baby.
However, trying to be open-minded, I agree to the television being on for a short period of time.
I figured one half-hour show should suffice-- NOT three hour-long episodes of Star Trek (don't get me wrong, I love NTG, but not at midnight when its breaking up my zen-like sleeping state).
The situation that really "grinds my gears" is when I awake at 3 am (and trust me, you don't want to wake me at 3 am) to find the t.v. still on as SOMEONE neglected to turn it off.
Where is the resolution?
"Reader friend" from above claims that participating in said activities in the next room is pointless, as by the time you realize your eyes are heavy, get up, close the book, turn off the lights, walk down the hallway, and crawl into bed, you are wide awake again.
How can this be resolved? Does this mean Sound Sleepers have to sacrifice an hour plus of my precious sleep time so their Sleep-Not-Needed partner can unwind properly? Does this mean that the Sleep-Not-Needed partner must run on even less sleep as they can't unwind in bed at night?
Case 2: The morning riser
Generally, the Sleep-Not-Needed partner also happens to be a Morning Riser. Not always, as sometimes their clock is just set back a few hours, resulting in the Night-Hawk-Morning Hater character.
I happen to be the Sound-Sleeper as well as a Morning Hater. I detest the sound of any alarm clock. I don't want to be awake until the sun is nearly at its daily peak.
My boyfriend, the Sleep-Not-Needed/Morning Riser has learned quickly that waking me up before I'm ready is a bad, bad idea. In fact, he refuses to try to wake me up even if I request so the evening prior as it usually results in one of two situations:
a) horrible and grouchy whining, telling him to "Leave me alone!"
b) Still sleeping response of "5 more minutes" which occurs about 15 times until, 1.5 hours later, I decide to get up.
I'm the same with an alarm clock. I like to set it a little early, so I can take advantage of the snooze button. I also set the clock 7 minutes fast, so that I wake up slowly each time practicing my 7X table trying to figure out if I can push snooze just one more time.
Case 2b:
Apparently not all partners are this accommodating. A couple of friends of mine were recently discussing how this is a point of contention: Partner A sets the alarm for 5 am, hitting snooze until she finally gets up at 8 am. Partner B (also a Morning Hater) is irate that his slumber is being disturbed every 9 minutes but a gawd-awful beeping noise.
I would hypothesize that two Morning Haters are not always the best combination.
Case 3: Sleeping after nighttime sex
The eternal predicament: how long after sex must one lay in bed? What is acceptable? Do you wait until your partner is sleeping? Are you obligated to sleep with them afterwards? If you are not a Sound Sleeper and require a mental-unwind, is it rude to turn on the Simpson's and have the romantic mood interrupted by Homer's childish wit?
I personally think that a mandatory 10 minutes needs to be put in. Especially if you didn't put in 10 minutes before it all began.
Then, if you feel its necessary, go and play Halo, watch UFC, or whatever other "relaxing" activities you feel necessary to fall asleep.
Case 4: The disturbances
There are several nighttime habits that are disruptive to a good night's sleep.
i) the tosser:
Cannot lay still, constantly moving and shifting
ii) the blanket-stealer
Inch by inch wrapping their body in all the covers so you are left with no sheet and the icy winds of winter.
iii) the bed-hog/bum sleeper/starfish
Taking far more than half of the bed, either in the starfish position, or the curled tuck position where you are constantly being bumped by their ass in your space.
iv) the loud breather
Usually associated with those who don't breathe through their nose, loud breathers often sleep mouth open, wheezing away the night.
v) the all-night bladder party
Those with the world's weakest bladder that are constantly up and back to the washroom.
vi) the snorer
Nose respiration issues, where that loud chainsaw sound continues no matter how hard you kick them, what side they lay on, or how many times you wake them. Always resulting in the following:
Partner A: "Wake up. You're snoring again"
Partner B: "No I'm not. I don't snore"
Partner A: "Yes, you woke me up with it"
Partner B: "You're having a weird dream"
Partner A: "Roll over."
Partner B: (10 minutes later...snore begins).
These too complicate varying sleeping patterns.
Options:
1. The couch.
Spacious, your own blanket, and quiet atmosphere.
2. Earplugs and eye-mask.
So you're not really sexy. But at least you're getting your beauty sleep.
3. Two bedrooms.
Takes the romance out...or does it? Maybe you'd have more sex if your partner didn't hate you for keeping them up the night before...
Would love your feedback: thoughts? Suggestions?
Monday, June 4, 2007
Lesson 16: Bitchy brides and weddings (part 2)
Summer is here! The weather is hot, the sun is shining, and wedding season is approaching quickly.
Months ago, I wrote about a few bitchy bridal antidotes, and the list continues to grow. The appalling things I have witnessed now extend past the bride, to other wedding party members, namely the In-laws.
Bitchy bridal experience #11
Planning the shower. Upon several suggestions, one including the bride choosing large, more expensive items for the shower if guests wanted to pool for gifts, the bride reminded me that "The shower is to SHOWER me with gifts. People shouldn't be scrimping on getting me nice things, that's just rude."
Point taken, I guess there goes my savings for fall tuition.
BB #12
For the stagette, I suggested that we make matching tshirts for attendees. Bride refuses, stating that ONLY the bridal party can have matching shirts. "I left (Friend C) out of the bridal party for a reason and I don't want her to feel included in the shower, so she cannot have anything that the bridal party is getting."
BB#13
Ring flaunting. Bride tells me story of how at a restaurant she sees an old friend from college. Bride flashes her ring and then proceeds to tell Old Friend, "Hmph. Guess mine is a lot bigger than yours", before tossing hair and walking away. In disbelief I asked her "Why would you do that?" and she responded, "Because I can."
BB#14
Bride is complaining that she cannot find any suitable lingerie for the wedding as "Its all too big on me. I mean, not only fat girls get married." She then goes on to tell me about a cute teddy she found that would have fit "Someone YOUR size, but practically fell off me."
BB#15
Shower games drafts must be submitted to bride prior to shower. Both her fiancee and future in-laws are clueless that she was a tramp in college, and anything that might reveal the fact she not only slept around in university, but had a corresponding reputation, is to be prohibited.
The other fascinating creatures in weddings are the mother-in-laws.
MIL #1
I am handed a date, a list of 25 people, and told that I am in charge of a shower that I must host at my mother's house from the MIL.
*Now, I have no qualms about hosting a shower, however I feel that the date, location, and guest list should be at my discretion*
MIL#2
After 5 women declined from said shower, the MIL promptly invited five replacement relatives (distant relatives), to ensure that "They get enough gifts from their registry".
Keep in mind that the shower in question is 90% relatives from groom's side, and 10% friends and family from bride's side. *I will now have to host a second shower for those that I couldn't invite to the first due to lack of space with so many weirdo old women invited by the MIL*
I also have made the following observations about weddings in general:
1. If you work in a bridal shop, they must ask on the application: "Are you a giant bitch?"
If you check "Yes", then you get the job.
2. Bride rivalries seem to be a common theme. Once engaged, brides seem to have the following expectations:
a. They will be the only wedding in the world using a particular song for their wedding. COME ON. Everyone walks down the aisle to Pachebel in D. You cannot throw a hissy fit if someone else wants to use it.
b. That people will only want to discuss YOUR wedding.
c. That everyone else envies you. And wants to stare at your ring.
Apparently getting married is the apex of being feminine.
d. The colours you choose, flower arrangements, centerpieces, etc. will be original to your wedding.
3. Weddings are probably far more enjoyable as a male.
-You rent a tux.
-You book a tee time and drink beers for the stag.
-Your girlfriend worries about choosing the wedding gift.
-The groom will not freak out about what hair style you choose or insist that you tan 3 months prior to pictures.
I am fully confident that if or when I choose to get married, I will elope. No showers, no flowers, no expensive dresses never to be worn again, no invitation making, no crash-dieting, no insane MIL, no caterer, no mandatory marriage classes in a church, no expensive hair and makeup appointments, no uncomfortable receiving line with unknown relatives.....
Let me summarize with Lesson 15:
The "fairy tale wedding" is a crock of shit. Hallmark has successfully pulled off the greatest scam in history: making women world-wide believe that weddings are magical and the most special day in a woman's life.
Weddings in fact are an expensive year's worth of stress. No one forewarns of the hassles involved in wedding planning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that a wedding day is special. Just don't forget the other 11 months worth of financing and preparation that are far from "magical".
Months ago, I wrote about a few bitchy bridal antidotes, and the list continues to grow. The appalling things I have witnessed now extend past the bride, to other wedding party members, namely the In-laws.
Bitchy bridal experience #11
Planning the shower. Upon several suggestions, one including the bride choosing large, more expensive items for the shower if guests wanted to pool for gifts, the bride reminded me that "The shower is to SHOWER me with gifts. People shouldn't be scrimping on getting me nice things, that's just rude."
Point taken, I guess there goes my savings for fall tuition.
BB #12
For the stagette, I suggested that we make matching tshirts for attendees. Bride refuses, stating that ONLY the bridal party can have matching shirts. "I left (Friend C) out of the bridal party for a reason and I don't want her to feel included in the shower, so she cannot have anything that the bridal party is getting."
BB#13
Ring flaunting. Bride tells me story of how at a restaurant she sees an old friend from college. Bride flashes her ring and then proceeds to tell Old Friend, "Hmph. Guess mine is a lot bigger than yours", before tossing hair and walking away. In disbelief I asked her "Why would you do that?" and she responded, "Because I can."
BB#14
Bride is complaining that she cannot find any suitable lingerie for the wedding as "Its all too big on me. I mean, not only fat girls get married." She then goes on to tell me about a cute teddy she found that would have fit "Someone YOUR size, but practically fell off me."
BB#15
Shower games drafts must be submitted to bride prior to shower. Both her fiancee and future in-laws are clueless that she was a tramp in college, and anything that might reveal the fact she not only slept around in university, but had a corresponding reputation, is to be prohibited.
The other fascinating creatures in weddings are the mother-in-laws.
MIL #1
I am handed a date, a list of 25 people, and told that I am in charge of a shower that I must host at my mother's house from the MIL.
*Now, I have no qualms about hosting a shower, however I feel that the date, location, and guest list should be at my discretion*
MIL#2
After 5 women declined from said shower, the MIL promptly invited five replacement relatives (distant relatives), to ensure that "They get enough gifts from their registry".
Keep in mind that the shower in question is 90% relatives from groom's side, and 10% friends and family from bride's side. *I will now have to host a second shower for those that I couldn't invite to the first due to lack of space with so many weirdo old women invited by the MIL*
I also have made the following observations about weddings in general:
1. If you work in a bridal shop, they must ask on the application: "Are you a giant bitch?"
If you check "Yes", then you get the job.
2. Bride rivalries seem to be a common theme. Once engaged, brides seem to have the following expectations:
a. They will be the only wedding in the world using a particular song for their wedding. COME ON. Everyone walks down the aisle to Pachebel in D. You cannot throw a hissy fit if someone else wants to use it.
b. That people will only want to discuss YOUR wedding.
c. That everyone else envies you. And wants to stare at your ring.
Apparently getting married is the apex of being feminine.
d. The colours you choose, flower arrangements, centerpieces, etc. will be original to your wedding.
3. Weddings are probably far more enjoyable as a male.
-You rent a tux.
-You book a tee time and drink beers for the stag.
-Your girlfriend worries about choosing the wedding gift.
-The groom will not freak out about what hair style you choose or insist that you tan 3 months prior to pictures.
I am fully confident that if or when I choose to get married, I will elope. No showers, no flowers, no expensive dresses never to be worn again, no invitation making, no crash-dieting, no insane MIL, no caterer, no mandatory marriage classes in a church, no expensive hair and makeup appointments, no uncomfortable receiving line with unknown relatives.....
Let me summarize with Lesson 15:
The "fairy tale wedding" is a crock of shit. Hallmark has successfully pulled off the greatest scam in history: making women world-wide believe that weddings are magical and the most special day in a woman's life.
Weddings in fact are an expensive year's worth of stress. No one forewarns of the hassles involved in wedding planning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that a wedding day is special. Just don't forget the other 11 months worth of financing and preparation that are far from "magical".
Friday, June 1, 2007
Lesson 15: Be afraid, you are your mother.
This is not really a "lesson" per se, but a personal revelation.
I am now 24. When my parents were my age, they were married and shortly after I was conceived. No, the mystery isn't how this happened. I'm well aware what went on. Or still goes on. Whatever...good for them. The point is that my mother is exactly 25 years older than I am.
My mom is a fascinating woman. At 24, I'm still afraid of making her angry. As a child, there was nothing more frightening than the wrath of my mother. In high school we butted heads frequently and I couldn't wait to move out on my own. When I turned 18 and moved away for university, I finally developed a kind of friendship with Mom.
Now, I have some girlfriends who are "friends" with their mom. I should qualify my statement by saying that being friends with my mom is NOT the kind of relationship where I tell her sex details, heartbreaks, gossip about friends, and talk about my deepest fears and dreams etc. It means we can now be in the same room and I can relax my shoulders and not quaver in fear I might anger her. We can go shopping together, a favorite pastime we share. The store of choice is the discount variety store. Or shoe stores. I have inherited her obsession with shoes.
The other activity we share is running in the summer. After I moved away for university, I was homesick frequently (odd, considering most of high school was spent looking forward to moving out). First year was fun, but too much beer and "college food" meant I had gained weight. My asshole boyfriend at the time loved to remind me of it, so when I moved home for the summer, my mom suggested we start running together.
Sounds great right? Maybe, if my mom hadn't run her first marathon at age 40 and still was fit enough to wear a two-piece bathing suit at the lake. Wake-up! All summer she dragged my sorry ass around town. People would drive by and see us, and later comment "I saw you and your mom running--she had quite the lead on you!". Needless to say, I didn't find it as funny as she did.
Now, 6 years later, I figure that since Mom hasn't been training, this summer I would finally not want to throw up after every run with mom. Wrong...SO wrong. We went running the other morning. I hate mornings. Mornings were meant to be spent in bed. But, at 7 am there is the knock on my door and Mom (who has already mowed the lawn, washed the floors, and done 3 loads of laundry) gets me up to go running.
We head out, and its chilly (it IS Saskatchewan), and at about the 3km point, she turns to me and goes "Do you need to stop and walk a bit?". No Mom, I'm just slower than you. Another few kilometers and she goes "Nicole, I swear I could walk faster than you're running right now." Its funny this time. I have finally realized that Mom is actually superwoman incognito.
~This is the woman who has worked shift work for 30 years. She would work 3 twelve hour night shifts in the Emergency room, go home to make my sister cupcakes for a bake sale, sew some sequins on my dance costume, drive across the province to watch me compete, not sleep for 36 hours, then go back and work another 3 day stretch.
~She's the woman that random people stop in the grocery store to thank her because she went over and above her duties to care for while their mother/brother/cousin/other relative was in ICU.
~She's the tough-love Mom: when I was sick in grade school, I knew to get out of bed and go to school anyways--her favorite line was "Take an advil and stop whining." The same Mom that would say "Nicole: stop lamenting about being fat: go for a run or get over yourself."
~The Mom I told about a jerk ex-boyfriend, who rather than saying "There, there", would tell me "He was a wiener anyways. I didn't like him. What the hell were you thinking in the first place?"
~The Mom who worked a 12 hour day shift, and showed up at the bar for my sister's stagette to dance with me on the stage, demonstrate how to properly shoot tequila, let the bartender buy her a mini-pitcher, close the bar down, and then make us greasy breakfast the next morning before going back to work.
Supermom. So I suppose its okay that she kicks my ass at running. Cooking. Baking. Cleaning.
She probably looks better than I do in a 2-piece. And she's had 3 kids.
She's a bad-ass lady who's terrifying when mad, and a lot of fun after a bottle of wine.
I've got enough of her in me to understand her, and enough of my dad to be a little afraid.
In high school I remember saying over and over, "I never want to turn out like my mom".
I've changed my mind. My mom is pretty kick-ass. And the older I get, the more I realize I'm a lot like her.
I think the lesson to be learned is we will all be like our mothers. I look at friends and realize how similar they are to their moms.
Kendra: you're totally Juanita. Karli is just like Twila!
Cass: you and Colleen should be twins.
Britt: you know you'll be just like Cathy.
Its not such a bad thing.
I am now 24. When my parents were my age, they were married and shortly after I was conceived. No, the mystery isn't how this happened. I'm well aware what went on. Or still goes on. Whatever...good for them. The point is that my mother is exactly 25 years older than I am.
My mom is a fascinating woman. At 24, I'm still afraid of making her angry. As a child, there was nothing more frightening than the wrath of my mother. In high school we butted heads frequently and I couldn't wait to move out on my own. When I turned 18 and moved away for university, I finally developed a kind of friendship with Mom.
Now, I have some girlfriends who are "friends" with their mom. I should qualify my statement by saying that being friends with my mom is NOT the kind of relationship where I tell her sex details, heartbreaks, gossip about friends, and talk about my deepest fears and dreams etc. It means we can now be in the same room and I can relax my shoulders and not quaver in fear I might anger her. We can go shopping together, a favorite pastime we share. The store of choice is the discount variety store. Or shoe stores. I have inherited her obsession with shoes.
The other activity we share is running in the summer. After I moved away for university, I was homesick frequently (odd, considering most of high school was spent looking forward to moving out). First year was fun, but too much beer and "college food" meant I had gained weight. My asshole boyfriend at the time loved to remind me of it, so when I moved home for the summer, my mom suggested we start running together.
Sounds great right? Maybe, if my mom hadn't run her first marathon at age 40 and still was fit enough to wear a two-piece bathing suit at the lake. Wake-up! All summer she dragged my sorry ass around town. People would drive by and see us, and later comment "I saw you and your mom running--she had quite the lead on you!". Needless to say, I didn't find it as funny as she did.
Now, 6 years later, I figure that since Mom hasn't been training, this summer I would finally not want to throw up after every run with mom. Wrong...SO wrong. We went running the other morning. I hate mornings. Mornings were meant to be spent in bed. But, at 7 am there is the knock on my door and Mom (who has already mowed the lawn, washed the floors, and done 3 loads of laundry) gets me up to go running.
We head out, and its chilly (it IS Saskatchewan), and at about the 3km point, she turns to me and goes "Do you need to stop and walk a bit?". No Mom, I'm just slower than you. Another few kilometers and she goes "Nicole, I swear I could walk faster than you're running right now." Its funny this time. I have finally realized that Mom is actually superwoman incognito.
~This is the woman who has worked shift work for 30 years. She would work 3 twelve hour night shifts in the Emergency room, go home to make my sister cupcakes for a bake sale, sew some sequins on my dance costume, drive across the province to watch me compete, not sleep for 36 hours, then go back and work another 3 day stretch.
~She's the woman that random people stop in the grocery store to thank her because she went over and above her duties to care for while their mother/brother/cousin/other relative was in ICU.
~She's the tough-love Mom: when I was sick in grade school, I knew to get out of bed and go to school anyways--her favorite line was "Take an advil and stop whining." The same Mom that would say "Nicole: stop lamenting about being fat: go for a run or get over yourself."
~The Mom I told about a jerk ex-boyfriend, who rather than saying "There, there", would tell me "He was a wiener anyways. I didn't like him. What the hell were you thinking in the first place?"
~The Mom who worked a 12 hour day shift, and showed up at the bar for my sister's stagette to dance with me on the stage, demonstrate how to properly shoot tequila, let the bartender buy her a mini-pitcher, close the bar down, and then make us greasy breakfast the next morning before going back to work.
Supermom. So I suppose its okay that she kicks my ass at running. Cooking. Baking. Cleaning.
She probably looks better than I do in a 2-piece. And she's had 3 kids.
She's a bad-ass lady who's terrifying when mad, and a lot of fun after a bottle of wine.
I've got enough of her in me to understand her, and enough of my dad to be a little afraid.
In high school I remember saying over and over, "I never want to turn out like my mom".
I've changed my mind. My mom is pretty kick-ass. And the older I get, the more I realize I'm a lot like her.
I think the lesson to be learned is we will all be like our mothers. I look at friends and realize how similar they are to their moms.
Kendra: you're totally Juanita. Karli is just like Twila!
Cass: you and Colleen should be twins.
Britt: you know you'll be just like Cathy.
Its not such a bad thing.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Lesson 14: Repetition
Defined as: "1526, 'act of saying over again,' from L. repetitionem (nom. repetitio)"
A simple lesson for today, repetition is both good and bad, depending on the circumstance. And since its best you not play trial and error until your girlfriend dumps you, allow me to outline when repetition is necessary, and when it is not.
Keep in mind that this may not make sense to you. From my external research conducted, this lesson has baffled many male counterparts. That is not what is important. What is important is that you learn these things, or at the very least memorize these guidelines, so as to know the appropriate protocal to ensure that "happy days are here to stay".
Things that are necessary to repeat:
a. "I love you"
Yes, I understand that you told me yesterday. But today is a WHOLE new day. Things could have changed. I like it when you remind me.
b. You're pretty/beautiful/sexy/lovely/great/wonderful (any positive adjective will work here)
Yes I know. You told me this morning. But my mind plays little games with me when I look in the mirror. So long as you remind me these things, together we can avoid a F.D.
c. I like to spend time with you/I'm looking forward to spending time with you/ I can't wait until we can spend time together again
In your mind, we may have had a good time. In my mind, you complaining about having to watch ANTM, road raging home from the resteraunt, or generally being complacent about the fact that you've been in my AMAZING presence for the past few hours has caused doubt, which you need to alleviate before I feel better.
Things you need not repeat:
As I began typing, millions of specific examples flooded to mind. I will try to keep this section as general as possible:
a. Anything about any of my good looking friends that reinforces how attractive they are. (i.e. Yes, Piitz is a knockout. But she's taken, she'd never sleep with you anyways, and if you want to continue sleeping with me, you best keep it down about how fantastic she look:.I already know.)
b. I don't need to know anything that involves "gross stuff". This included things found in your stool, the colour of your mucus in your tissue that morning, the scent that your anus emitted in a public place, blood or gore details etc.
c. The sports highlights are facinating. I'm sure. But just as you had no interest in following Summer and Seth's dramatic relationship during the O.C. season, I could care less about UFC stats.
d. Anything about women I don't know. I don't care if Sally from your office is 65, overweight, and has cronic B.O., if I don't know her, I want to pretend you work in a bubble, and only have eyes for me. Chances are, if you mention Sally more than once, it means you've been looking at her more than once.
e. Expensive things you oogle over. I understand...I would like some bling jewelry and pre-payed spa visits, but I know they're not in my nor your budget. Let's not depress either of us by discussing how expensive that flat screen 270 inch (or however big they come) tv is.
Simple, right?
Girls like to hear nice things. It doesn't matter how often you've told us, we need to be told all the time! Don't argue, don't try to understand why....just do it. It keeps the peace.
A simple lesson for today, repetition is both good and bad, depending on the circumstance. And since its best you not play trial and error until your girlfriend dumps you, allow me to outline when repetition is necessary, and when it is not.
Keep in mind that this may not make sense to you. From my external research conducted, this lesson has baffled many male counterparts. That is not what is important. What is important is that you learn these things, or at the very least memorize these guidelines, so as to know the appropriate protocal to ensure that "happy days are here to stay".
Things that are necessary to repeat:
a. "I love you"
Yes, I understand that you told me yesterday. But today is a WHOLE new day. Things could have changed. I like it when you remind me.
b. You're pretty/beautiful/sexy/lovely/great/wonderful (any positive adjective will work here)
Yes I know. You told me this morning. But my mind plays little games with me when I look in the mirror. So long as you remind me these things, together we can avoid a F.D.
c. I like to spend time with you/I'm looking forward to spending time with you/ I can't wait until we can spend time together again
In your mind, we may have had a good time. In my mind, you complaining about having to watch ANTM, road raging home from the resteraunt, or generally being complacent about the fact that you've been in my AMAZING presence for the past few hours has caused doubt, which you need to alleviate before I feel better.
Things you need not repeat:
As I began typing, millions of specific examples flooded to mind. I will try to keep this section as general as possible:
a. Anything about any of my good looking friends that reinforces how attractive they are. (i.e. Yes, Piitz is a knockout. But she's taken, she'd never sleep with you anyways, and if you want to continue sleeping with me, you best keep it down about how fantastic she look:.I already know.)
b. I don't need to know anything that involves "gross stuff". This included things found in your stool, the colour of your mucus in your tissue that morning, the scent that your anus emitted in a public place, blood or gore details etc.
c. The sports highlights are facinating. I'm sure. But just as you had no interest in following Summer and Seth's dramatic relationship during the O.C. season, I could care less about UFC stats.
d. Anything about women I don't know. I don't care if Sally from your office is 65, overweight, and has cronic B.O., if I don't know her, I want to pretend you work in a bubble, and only have eyes for me. Chances are, if you mention Sally more than once, it means you've been looking at her more than once.
e. Expensive things you oogle over. I understand...I would like some bling jewelry and pre-payed spa visits, but I know they're not in my nor your budget. Let's not depress either of us by discussing how expensive that flat screen 270 inch (or however big they come) tv is.
Simple, right?
Girls like to hear nice things. It doesn't matter how often you've told us, we need to be told all the time! Don't argue, don't try to understand why....just do it. It keeps the peace.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Lesson 13: The "Hair philanthropist"
So let's be honest: there are certain things women spend exceedingly more money on than their male counterparts. And most of them have to do with our appearance. The money that I spend on my bikini waxer, pedicurist, hair stylist, or lacey underwear, is money that my boyfriend doesn't spend at all. Now, as "unfair" as this might seem, I don't want a man with polished pink toes, $150 hair cut, or black lacey g-string. It would, however, be fair to say that once your boyfriend has gotten used to smoothly waxed everything, silky soft hair, polished feet, and sexy underthings, it becomes almost expected that you keep it up. Which is fine: I do these things regardless of a man in my life or not.
But the aesthetic luxuries add up financially. And as a student, I often have to sacrifice quality (aka the salon) for quantity (being able to maintain all these aspects). Now here is a mini-lesson to start off: NEVER sacrifice the quality of your esthetician. Eyebrows take awhile to grow back properly, and this is not the place for detail on how a bikini wax can go wrong, but take me word on it: I've been there, and its not worth the $20-30 you will save.
So, instead, I try to do at-home maintenance on my nails and toes, keep my eyes out for lingerie sales, and when times get tough...I'll admit: my sister and a box of hair dye double as a hair colourist.
Today's lesson, is a newly learned experience about sacrificing the quality of a hairstylist:
Every woman has a regular hairstylist they are comfortable with. They have likely been going to their stylist for years, and its a gossip session filled with laughing, but more importantly, filled with TRUST.
I have one. Her name is Jodi, she's great. I don't even have to tell her what to do, I just sit down and she does magic. The problem is that Jodi lives in Saskatchewan.
Finding a new hairstylist is more troublesome than finding a new doctor or dentist. And since I go home every 4-6 months, I try to make my hair cuts stretch out so that Jodi can do them, rather than someone I don't know or trust.
It's May. I was last home in December. Which means after dry winter weather, and overusing my flat iron, my hair is in desparate need of a trim. The ends are split and dry, and its getting to look a bit "grad student-esque". (You know that Simpson's episode where Bart cuts off the ratty ponytail of the grad student sitting in front of him? I was concerned that was me...)
But I'm going home in 3 weeks. Home to Jodi so she can make me a summer blonde and style my hair. I just needed a trim.
Its the end of the school term though, and I'm broke. So against my inner voice screaming "No!", I decide to go down to Magicuts, or Supercuts, or whatever the chain is, and have someone trim my hair.
Omen #1: I walk in and there are "stylists" sitting around.
Of course they can trim my hair...come on in!
Omen #2: The girl that is doing my hair has a frightening hair cut. Its purple and redish, spikey, yet mullet-like, and she's chomping on Hubba Bubba like she's trying to kill it.
So I sit down. I explain I just want a trim. Just the ends. As little as possible.
She says she'll take off about an inch. No prob.
Snip, snip, snip. She's cutting away. Quickly I might add.
Snip, snip, snip. Still cutting.
I point out to her how I normally do my hair. She reponds, "I'm going to texturize and give you layers."
I say no, please just trim it.
Snip, snip, snip. She pulls out a pair of odd-looking scissors. Now if it was Jodi, I wouldn't have been worried. But I'm worried now.
Snip, snip, snip. She says, "I'm just taking some weight out of your hair, its really thick."
Well, this is true, and Jodi says it all the time. I feel slightly relieved.
She finishes and its shorter than I hoped. But I don't care, I just want out. She offers to style it. I decline and hurry to the counter. The entire process costs $15. That's about 10 times less than I normally pay. Partially relieved at my savings, I leave with wet hair.
When I get home, I blow dry it and use the flat iron. And then I realize what she meant when she said "layer and texturize".
The back of my head has uneven chunks missing. I've been butchered. And, it shorter than I wanted.
Was she hearing-impaired? Did she not understand the word "no"? Or was it worse: a "hair philanthropist" who felt it her duty to give clients what she believed was best for them? The George W. of hairstylists--knows SFA yet feels the need to apply their twisted style to others in a pseudo-fascist kind of way?
Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, but this girl must not have passed her journeyman's course: my sister did a better job to her hair when she was 3. (That time Mom left to the grocery store and my sister wanted to see how scissors worked with her bangs....Mom returned to find my sister with 1mm bangs and a few pieces of long hair on the sides. Hence, the mushroom cut throughout grade school.)
Let everyone learn from this lesson: you get what you pay for.
Now, I need to invest in a summer baseball cap....
But the aesthetic luxuries add up financially. And as a student, I often have to sacrifice quality (aka the salon) for quantity (being able to maintain all these aspects). Now here is a mini-lesson to start off: NEVER sacrifice the quality of your esthetician. Eyebrows take awhile to grow back properly, and this is not the place for detail on how a bikini wax can go wrong, but take me word on it: I've been there, and its not worth the $20-30 you will save.
So, instead, I try to do at-home maintenance on my nails and toes, keep my eyes out for lingerie sales, and when times get tough...I'll admit: my sister and a box of hair dye double as a hair colourist.
Today's lesson, is a newly learned experience about sacrificing the quality of a hairstylist:
Every woman has a regular hairstylist they are comfortable with. They have likely been going to their stylist for years, and its a gossip session filled with laughing, but more importantly, filled with TRUST.
I have one. Her name is Jodi, she's great. I don't even have to tell her what to do, I just sit down and she does magic. The problem is that Jodi lives in Saskatchewan.
Finding a new hairstylist is more troublesome than finding a new doctor or dentist. And since I go home every 4-6 months, I try to make my hair cuts stretch out so that Jodi can do them, rather than someone I don't know or trust.
It's May. I was last home in December. Which means after dry winter weather, and overusing my flat iron, my hair is in desparate need of a trim. The ends are split and dry, and its getting to look a bit "grad student-esque". (You know that Simpson's episode where Bart cuts off the ratty ponytail of the grad student sitting in front of him? I was concerned that was me...)
But I'm going home in 3 weeks. Home to Jodi so she can make me a summer blonde and style my hair. I just needed a trim.
Its the end of the school term though, and I'm broke. So against my inner voice screaming "No!", I decide to go down to Magicuts, or Supercuts, or whatever the chain is, and have someone trim my hair.
Omen #1: I walk in and there are "stylists" sitting around.
Of course they can trim my hair...come on in!
Omen #2: The girl that is doing my hair has a frightening hair cut. Its purple and redish, spikey, yet mullet-like, and she's chomping on Hubba Bubba like she's trying to kill it.
So I sit down. I explain I just want a trim. Just the ends. As little as possible.
She says she'll take off about an inch. No prob.
Snip, snip, snip. She's cutting away. Quickly I might add.
Snip, snip, snip. Still cutting.
I point out to her how I normally do my hair. She reponds, "I'm going to texturize and give you layers."
I say no, please just trim it.
Snip, snip, snip. She pulls out a pair of odd-looking scissors. Now if it was Jodi, I wouldn't have been worried. But I'm worried now.
Snip, snip, snip. She says, "I'm just taking some weight out of your hair, its really thick."
Well, this is true, and Jodi says it all the time. I feel slightly relieved.
She finishes and its shorter than I hoped. But I don't care, I just want out. She offers to style it. I decline and hurry to the counter. The entire process costs $15. That's about 10 times less than I normally pay. Partially relieved at my savings, I leave with wet hair.
When I get home, I blow dry it and use the flat iron. And then I realize what she meant when she said "layer and texturize".
The back of my head has uneven chunks missing. I've been butchered. And, it shorter than I wanted.
Was she hearing-impaired? Did she not understand the word "no"? Or was it worse: a "hair philanthropist" who felt it her duty to give clients what she believed was best for them? The George W. of hairstylists--knows SFA yet feels the need to apply their twisted style to others in a pseudo-fascist kind of way?
Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic, but this girl must not have passed her journeyman's course: my sister did a better job to her hair when she was 3. (That time Mom left to the grocery store and my sister wanted to see how scissors worked with her bangs....Mom returned to find my sister with 1mm bangs and a few pieces of long hair on the sides. Hence, the mushroom cut throughout grade school.)
Let everyone learn from this lesson: you get what you pay for.
Now, I need to invest in a summer baseball cap....
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Lesson 12: Mars vs Venus
This lesson is actually not for men. Its for women. And its about issues that are irreconcilable.
The gender divide. The battle of the sexes. The disconnect between what men give and want women want.
I shall try my best:
1) "Feelings"
This is SUCH a sterotypical argument.
Girl: Why don't you ever talk about how you feel?
Guy: Do we have to do this right now? This is my favorite Simpson's episode.
Girl: We don't ever talk.
Guy: *sighs and turns off tv* What do you want to talk about?
Girl: How you feel...
Guy: How I feel about what?
Girl: US!! How you feel about us!!!
Guy: Fine...why? Everything's fine. Why do you do this? Can I turn the tv back on?
Girl: *rolls over*
2) Types of emotion
ex 1//
Bad day at work
Girl=crying. Needing to engage in meaningless banter.
Guy=beer. Video games. Television.
The problem arises when girl AND guy have a bad day at work.
One wants to talk. Other wants to escape reality.
This my friends, is inevitable B.T.
ex 2//
Girl: *clearly excited*I've re-arranged my schedule so we can spend time together this evening!
Guy: *flat*Oh. Ok. Well, come over then.
Girl: Is this okay? You don't sound very excited.
Guy: Fine, its fine okay?
Girl: *clearly deflated* Well, ok I guess I'll come over then.
Guy: Why are you mad?
Girl: *flat* I'm not mad.
Guy: Why aren't you excited anymore?
Girl: You're not excited.
Guy: Yes I am
Girl: No you're not.
Guy: Yes I am.
Girl: You weren't. You don't sound excited.
Guy: *angry tone* I'm excited okay?
Girl: Listen to the tone of your voice...you're mad.
Guy: *obvious change in tone:lighter* I'm not mad.
Conversation then drags on until
a) Guy realizes his mistake, changes the tone of his voice, and backpeddles
b) Girl decides to instead stay home and watch ANTM.
These are unexplainable.
I refuse to buy the argument that females are naturally emotional, passionate, irrational. Or that males are necessarily rational, unemotional, and insensitive. Second wave feminism is bullshit.
So SOMEONE needs to explain how these things happen. Where is the disconnect?
Why....WHY....
Why can't these things be reconciled?
Does it take years of training?
Do you eventually become immune to this type of "blockheadeness"?
Do you eventually turn into Lois and Peter? Lois, the nag and Peter the idiot-a grown man with the mentality of a four year old?
Or do you simply get together with your girlfriends with a bottle of wine and an array of Fantasia toys every now and again to remind you that you are not the only one who faces these phenomenon daily....?
Alas, the teacher still has lessons to learn...
The gender divide. The battle of the sexes. The disconnect between what men give and want women want.
I shall try my best:
1) "Feelings"
This is SUCH a sterotypical argument.
Girl: Why don't you ever talk about how you feel?
Guy: Do we have to do this right now? This is my favorite Simpson's episode.
Girl: We don't ever talk.
Guy: *sighs and turns off tv* What do you want to talk about?
Girl: How you feel...
Guy: How I feel about what?
Girl: US!! How you feel about us!!!
Guy: Fine...why? Everything's fine. Why do you do this? Can I turn the tv back on?
Girl: *rolls over*
2) Types of emotion
ex 1//
Bad day at work
Girl=crying. Needing to engage in meaningless banter.
Guy=beer. Video games. Television.
The problem arises when girl AND guy have a bad day at work.
One wants to talk. Other wants to escape reality.
This my friends, is inevitable B.T.
ex 2//
Girl: *clearly excited*I've re-arranged my schedule so we can spend time together this evening!
Guy: *flat*Oh. Ok. Well, come over then.
Girl: Is this okay? You don't sound very excited.
Guy: Fine, its fine okay?
Girl: *clearly deflated* Well, ok I guess I'll come over then.
Guy: Why are you mad?
Girl: *flat* I'm not mad.
Guy: Why aren't you excited anymore?
Girl: You're not excited.
Guy: Yes I am
Girl: No you're not.
Guy: Yes I am.
Girl: You weren't. You don't sound excited.
Guy: *angry tone* I'm excited okay?
Girl: Listen to the tone of your voice...you're mad.
Guy: *obvious change in tone:lighter* I'm not mad.
Conversation then drags on until
a) Guy realizes his mistake, changes the tone of his voice, and backpeddles
b) Girl decides to instead stay home and watch ANTM.
These are unexplainable.
I refuse to buy the argument that females are naturally emotional, passionate, irrational. Or that males are necessarily rational, unemotional, and insensitive. Second wave feminism is bullshit.
So SOMEONE needs to explain how these things happen. Where is the disconnect?
Why....WHY....
Why can't these things be reconciled?
Does it take years of training?
Do you eventually become immune to this type of "blockheadeness"?
Do you eventually turn into Lois and Peter? Lois, the nag and Peter the idiot-a grown man with the mentality of a four year old?
Or do you simply get together with your girlfriends with a bottle of wine and an array of Fantasia toys every now and again to remind you that you are not the only one who faces these phenomenon daily....?
Alas, the teacher still has lessons to learn...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Lesson 11: Spitting
I know some of you reading these regularly find some of my lessons glaringly obvious. However, every now and then I realize that certain seemingly clear rules of etiquette must be explicitly reviewed.
Therefore, lesson twelve is on spitting.
A brief overview from Wikipedia:
Spitting is the act of forcibly ejecting saliva or other substances from the mouth. In Europe and North America, the action of spitting has become popular and "cool" amoung teenagers as a sign of contempt or frustration at society in general, or often at higher powers such as the law. Spitting upon another person, especially onto their face, is a universal sign of anger, hatred, and contempt. It is possible to transmit infectious diseases through spitting.
Now that we've covered what (specifically) I am discussing, we can move onto why this particular act is unacceptable.
1. As mentioned, it is possible to transmit infectious disease through this act. During the outbreak of major flu epidemics in Europe in the 18th century, spitting became a socially unacceptable act because of its obvious health risks.
2. However, I would be willing to say that there are VERY few and specific situations in which spitting would be deemed acceptable:
a) If and only IF you are a professional boxer, it is in the 4th round of the championship match which is being televised, and you trainer offers you a bucket because you are bleeding from the mouth. In this situation, spitting is acceptable. Mostly because I hate boxing, and never watch it on T.V. so I don't actually have to witness this disgusting act of spitting.
b)If you are a marathon runner. Understandably after 30km, your body is under some extreme duress and if necessary you may eject your saliva. Just make sure that you do so into those disposable Gatorade cups or a tissue. Other people have to tread over that same road surface you know!
c) At the dentist, and only per the dental assistant's instruction. They have that little sterilized sink for these purposes.
Contrary to popular belief, spitting is neither "cool" nor is it an effective way of performing masculinity. Its gross. It makes me gag, and it is repugnant. Please refrain from doing it outside of the boxing ring or the dentist's office.
I have also compiled a short list of different types of spitting, just so readers are aware of how many undignified ways there are to perform such an act:
i. The back-of-throat-toothpaste spit.
This usually is heard in the morning. Now, let's be clear.
I understand that most men have a regular routine of peeing, farting, and teeth-brushing in the morning, but this act is just unacceptable.
There is nothing worse than enjoying my Cheerios only to be disturbed by this disgusting sound.
I actually find that male roommates are just as culpable as boyfriends, consorts, or sexy overlords.
Here's the deal: invest in some Listerine if you have a plaque problem.
ii. The nose-sniff-turned-throat-scrape spit.
I just gagged typing that. *Dry heave*
That's how awful this particular type of spitting is.
I don't care if you're sick. Get a Kleenex.
This is often combined with Type I, for the ultimate gross-out.
Don't. Just don't.
iii. The summer day out-the-car-window spit.
I get it. Spitting takes some practice and coordination. I've tried and usually wound up slobbering all over myself. Nonetheless, it is repulsive to have someone with their window down "huck a loogie" next to you at the set of lights.
Its even worse if I'm riding in the car with you. I'm so embarrassed, I would actually rather lie down in the backseat to avoid anyone seeing me with someone performing such a revolting act.
iv. The lazy spit.
This is when you are too lazy to swallow your own saliva, and let it drip out in that disgustingly slow stream while making a corresponding noise.
*Shudder*
v. The spite spit.
Where you spit in an inappropriate manner in public, either to spite someone who has pissed you off, or worse, to spite me because you know how much it bothers me. Oh you better believe you'll be making up for this big time if you Spite Spit me!
vi. The baseball spit.
Unlike the above mentioned athletic activities, I do not condone spitting in baseball.
It is usually due to chewing tobacco which is even more foul than cigarette smoking, but which is somehow still culturally perpetuated through the sport.
Try Bubbalicious. It at least smells fruity, won't cause cancer or stain your teeth, and keeps the dugouts semi-sanitary.
The bottom line is that I do not know any woman who finds this attractive. I actually don't even know any woman who finds spitting tolerable.
No spitting. That is all.
Therefore, lesson twelve is on spitting.
A brief overview from Wikipedia:
Spitting is the act of forcibly ejecting saliva or other substances from the mouth. In Europe and North America, the action of spitting has become popular and "cool" amoung teenagers as a sign of contempt or frustration at society in general, or often at higher powers such as the law. Spitting upon another person, especially onto their face, is a universal sign of anger, hatred, and contempt. It is possible to transmit infectious diseases through spitting.
Now that we've covered what (specifically) I am discussing, we can move onto why this particular act is unacceptable.
1. As mentioned, it is possible to transmit infectious disease through this act. During the outbreak of major flu epidemics in Europe in the 18th century, spitting became a socially unacceptable act because of its obvious health risks.
2. However, I would be willing to say that there are VERY few and specific situations in which spitting would be deemed acceptable:
a) If and only IF you are a professional boxer, it is in the 4th round of the championship match which is being televised, and you trainer offers you a bucket because you are bleeding from the mouth. In this situation, spitting is acceptable. Mostly because I hate boxing, and never watch it on T.V. so I don't actually have to witness this disgusting act of spitting.
b)If you are a marathon runner. Understandably after 30km, your body is under some extreme duress and if necessary you may eject your saliva. Just make sure that you do so into those disposable Gatorade cups or a tissue. Other people have to tread over that same road surface you know!
c) At the dentist, and only per the dental assistant's instruction. They have that little sterilized sink for these purposes.
Contrary to popular belief, spitting is neither "cool" nor is it an effective way of performing masculinity. Its gross. It makes me gag, and it is repugnant. Please refrain from doing it outside of the boxing ring or the dentist's office.
I have also compiled a short list of different types of spitting, just so readers are aware of how many undignified ways there are to perform such an act:
i. The back-of-throat-toothpaste spit.
This usually is heard in the morning. Now, let's be clear.
I understand that most men have a regular routine of peeing, farting, and teeth-brushing in the morning, but this act is just unacceptable.
There is nothing worse than enjoying my Cheerios only to be disturbed by this disgusting sound.
I actually find that male roommates are just as culpable as boyfriends, consorts, or sexy overlords.
Here's the deal: invest in some Listerine if you have a plaque problem.
ii. The nose-sniff-turned-throat-scrape spit.
I just gagged typing that. *Dry heave*
That's how awful this particular type of spitting is.
I don't care if you're sick. Get a Kleenex.
This is often combined with Type I, for the ultimate gross-out.
Don't. Just don't.
iii. The summer day out-the-car-window spit.
I get it. Spitting takes some practice and coordination. I've tried and usually wound up slobbering all over myself. Nonetheless, it is repulsive to have someone with their window down "huck a loogie" next to you at the set of lights.
Its even worse if I'm riding in the car with you. I'm so embarrassed, I would actually rather lie down in the backseat to avoid anyone seeing me with someone performing such a revolting act.
iv. The lazy spit.
This is when you are too lazy to swallow your own saliva, and let it drip out in that disgustingly slow stream while making a corresponding noise.
*Shudder*
v. The spite spit.
Where you spit in an inappropriate manner in public, either to spite someone who has pissed you off, or worse, to spite me because you know how much it bothers me. Oh you better believe you'll be making up for this big time if you Spite Spit me!
vi. The baseball spit.
Unlike the above mentioned athletic activities, I do not condone spitting in baseball.
It is usually due to chewing tobacco which is even more foul than cigarette smoking, but which is somehow still culturally perpetuated through the sport.
Try Bubbalicious. It at least smells fruity, won't cause cancer or stain your teeth, and keeps the dugouts semi-sanitary.
The bottom line is that I do not know any woman who finds this attractive. I actually don't even know any woman who finds spitting tolerable.
No spitting. That is all.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Lesson 10: Footwear in bed
A lesson I thought was obvious, apparently needs further clarification.
I'm sure this is not a problem for all women, but it certainly resonates with a large portion of the demographic.
Men:
Do not wear socks to bed.
Its very simple. Just take them off.
Now, I understand there are some situation where this proves more difficult than I've stated.
For example, after a formal event, you head back to a hypothetical apartment and things heat up. Generally the tie is removed and buttons undone with ease. At this point, its fair to say that tugging at the belt indicates some sort of sexual activity will take place.
Do not get so eager as to forget your socks!
A suggestion from another annonymous friend who, for privacy sake I shall refer to as Matt Gravelle, is that while making your way into a horizontal position, that you slide the socks off with your opposite foot.
Or, if necessary, quickly reach down and remove them. Nothing kills the mood like a naked man wearing only socks.
I mean, let's be honest...even Tom Cruise looked like a dumbass wearing a white tee and sweatsocks.
Q: Is it all types of socks, or are certain kinds of socks acceptable?
Well, I am very particular about socks. MY sock hierarchy (high to low) for the opposite sex goes as follows:
Ankle cut white sport socks
Low cut white sport socks
Dress socks (only acceptable with dress wear)
Black sweat socks
Grey sweat socks
Mid-calf or longer white sweat socks
Grandpa's golf socks
Angora or wool socks
Toe socks (yes I have seen men wearing these)
If you are going to wear socks, that's fine. There are times and places to wear socks. There are two fixed times and places you are NOT to wear any socks:
a) In bed.
b) With sandals. This included Birkenstocks. I don't care how lefty/hippy/radical you think you are, sock and sandals were never meant to be together.
So, in conclusion,
A: No. Socks are never to be worn in bed.
A story:
After an evening of heavy drinking, I roll over in a shared hotel room to discover the man in the other bed (whom I thought was both classy and tasteful) in his underwear and BLACK DRESS SOCKS. After dry heaving for a few minutes, I broke into a rage, and still shudder thinking of that traumatizing incident.
Ace has learned his lesson, and so should all of you:
SOCKS IN BED=no-no.
However, there is an interesting twist to this lesson:
As much as I would prefer my man wear no footwear at all, the rule cannot state that NO footwear in bed is allowed. This clause, however, is gendered.
Women too, are prohibited from wearing socks in bed, but I have yet to find opposition about high heels in bed.
Football cleats, running shoes, or even slippers are not sexy on a man, but you better believe that my black strappy stillettos are a big hit with my matching black lacy underthings. I also have these cute metallic heels with little bows that also coordinate nicely with select "evening wear".
So I'm sorry boys, but your feet are going to have to go naked in bed. No socks, no shoes, just feet.
As for women, socks are not allowed, but I think you might enjoy leaving the heels on...
I'm sure this is not a problem for all women, but it certainly resonates with a large portion of the demographic.
Men:
Do not wear socks to bed.
Its very simple. Just take them off.
Now, I understand there are some situation where this proves more difficult than I've stated.
For example, after a formal event, you head back to a hypothetical apartment and things heat up. Generally the tie is removed and buttons undone with ease. At this point, its fair to say that tugging at the belt indicates some sort of sexual activity will take place.
Do not get so eager as to forget your socks!
A suggestion from another annonymous friend who, for privacy sake I shall refer to as Matt Gravelle, is that while making your way into a horizontal position, that you slide the socks off with your opposite foot.
Or, if necessary, quickly reach down and remove them. Nothing kills the mood like a naked man wearing only socks.
I mean, let's be honest...even Tom Cruise looked like a dumbass wearing a white tee and sweatsocks.
Q: Is it all types of socks, or are certain kinds of socks acceptable?
Well, I am very particular about socks. MY sock hierarchy (high to low) for the opposite sex goes as follows:
Ankle cut white sport socks
Low cut white sport socks
Dress socks (only acceptable with dress wear)
Black sweat socks
Grey sweat socks
Mid-calf or longer white sweat socks
Grandpa's golf socks
Angora or wool socks
Toe socks (yes I have seen men wearing these)
If you are going to wear socks, that's fine. There are times and places to wear socks. There are two fixed times and places you are NOT to wear any socks:
a) In bed.
b) With sandals. This included Birkenstocks. I don't care how lefty/hippy/radical you think you are, sock and sandals were never meant to be together.
So, in conclusion,
A: No. Socks are never to be worn in bed.
A story:
After an evening of heavy drinking, I roll over in a shared hotel room to discover the man in the other bed (whom I thought was both classy and tasteful) in his underwear and BLACK DRESS SOCKS. After dry heaving for a few minutes, I broke into a rage, and still shudder thinking of that traumatizing incident.
Ace has learned his lesson, and so should all of you:
SOCKS IN BED=no-no.
However, there is an interesting twist to this lesson:
As much as I would prefer my man wear no footwear at all, the rule cannot state that NO footwear in bed is allowed. This clause, however, is gendered.
Women too, are prohibited from wearing socks in bed, but I have yet to find opposition about high heels in bed.
Football cleats, running shoes, or even slippers are not sexy on a man, but you better believe that my black strappy stillettos are a big hit with my matching black lacy underthings. I also have these cute metallic heels with little bows that also coordinate nicely with select "evening wear".
So I'm sorry boys, but your feet are going to have to go naked in bed. No socks, no shoes, just feet.
As for women, socks are not allowed, but I think you might enjoy leaving the heels on...
Monday, March 26, 2007
Lesson 9: The Bridezilla
Bridezilla. Such a funny, yet appropriate term.
To avoid getting myself into B.T., I will try to make this as generalized as possible.
But I felt the need to share interesting bridesmaid/maid of honour antidotes.
How is this applicable for men? Its not really. Unless of course your g/f gets suckered into being a bridesmaid. Which btw means extra pressure on you when she gets to see all her friends married, and more importantly, decked out in bling bling on their fingers. Sigh, yes, I guess this very much does involve you. But not in the same way I've been involved. I have seen a whole new level of bitch.
So, the summer of 2007 seems to be the summer for marriage. Saying this, I happen to personally know 6 friends getting married in one summer.
So far are my favorite (and by favorite, I mean outlandish) stories of these brides-to-be:
1. Bridesmaids must wear full-strap dresses. This is to ensure the bride is not showed up by any of her bridal party. It does not matter if the pictures of the wedding party are hideous due to ugly costuming, it only matters that the bride shows skin and her ladies in waiting do not.
2. Receiving bulk email wedding announcements and then having angry brides complain that no one PERSONALLY called or sent cards. The nerve of people, eh?
3. Bridesmaids must wear long dresses even though it is the peak of summer, and tea-length dresses are at least semi-reusable. Reasons listed were as follows:
a) One of the bridesmaids is "too fat" to wear a short dress and the bride doesn't want ugly wedding photos of her fat cousin showing her "man-calves".
b) The wedding is "traditional" and the Anglican church of Canada would look down on showing skin....this of course does not include the sweetheart, boobie-pushup bride gown with the low-cut back. This also doesn't include the fact that the bride is neither Anglican nor God-fearing. In fact, if the Anglican church were to know about her college experiences, they probably wouldn't let the ho-train in the building....
c) Bridesmaid #3 is too short to wear a short dress. Or too tall. Or her legs look better than the bride.
4. For the overly-prepared bride, I was given a Microsoft Excel sheet of girls allowed at the stagette.
5. This list did not include past friends who had pissed off said bride for the following reasons:
a) Friend A was referred to as a "slutty whore" when bride felt Friend A was too friendly with her groom. Bride notes that Friend A cannot even attend the wedding in case her friend was to hit on the groom on the wedding day.
Give me a break.
b) Friends B and C are not allowed to the stagette because they are also getting married this summer. Bride says she does not want them to come, nor to know any details because she doesn't want them to "compare" theirs and hers, copy ideas, and furthermore, they're not even friends anymore because those bitches "chose wedding dates in MY wedding month. I've been engaged 2 months longer, they should have picked a different month to get married. I can't believe they would do that to me"
6. As the maid of honour, I was told that my job during the photo shoot, and consequential pre-reception drinking would be to babysit the bride's daughter. She would drink champagne, and I would feed Junior mushed carrots.
7. The groom's sister was not allowed in the wedding party because she was "too fat" and the bride wanted nice wedding photos.
8. Groom had to un-invite his best friend from the wedding party because he "smoked too much weed and would be squinty-eyed throughout the entire ceremony".
9. Bride was appalled when her father refused to pay an extra $2000 for an ice sculpture.
10. Close friend was not allowed in the wedding party because "She's 30 and not married and will probably ruin my day because she's jelous. Well, she never said that but if I were her I'd be worried and jelous of me".
The best part is that new stories come up every day.
I understand engagement is an exciting time. The level of selfishness and bitchiness that accompanies this exciting time is, in my mind, inexcusable. Keep up the work ladies, and you'll be lucky if anyone shows up....
To avoid getting myself into B.T., I will try to make this as generalized as possible.
But I felt the need to share interesting bridesmaid/maid of honour antidotes.
How is this applicable for men? Its not really. Unless of course your g/f gets suckered into being a bridesmaid. Which btw means extra pressure on you when she gets to see all her friends married, and more importantly, decked out in bling bling on their fingers. Sigh, yes, I guess this very much does involve you. But not in the same way I've been involved. I have seen a whole new level of bitch.
So, the summer of 2007 seems to be the summer for marriage. Saying this, I happen to personally know 6 friends getting married in one summer.
So far are my favorite (and by favorite, I mean outlandish) stories of these brides-to-be:
1. Bridesmaids must wear full-strap dresses. This is to ensure the bride is not showed up by any of her bridal party. It does not matter if the pictures of the wedding party are hideous due to ugly costuming, it only matters that the bride shows skin and her ladies in waiting do not.
2. Receiving bulk email wedding announcements and then having angry brides complain that no one PERSONALLY called or sent cards. The nerve of people, eh?
3. Bridesmaids must wear long dresses even though it is the peak of summer, and tea-length dresses are at least semi-reusable. Reasons listed were as follows:
a) One of the bridesmaids is "too fat" to wear a short dress and the bride doesn't want ugly wedding photos of her fat cousin showing her "man-calves".
b) The wedding is "traditional" and the Anglican church of Canada would look down on showing skin....this of course does not include the sweetheart, boobie-pushup bride gown with the low-cut back. This also doesn't include the fact that the bride is neither Anglican nor God-fearing. In fact, if the Anglican church were to know about her college experiences, they probably wouldn't let the ho-train in the building....
c) Bridesmaid #3 is too short to wear a short dress. Or too tall. Or her legs look better than the bride.
4. For the overly-prepared bride, I was given a Microsoft Excel sheet of girls allowed at the stagette.
5. This list did not include past friends who had pissed off said bride for the following reasons:
a) Friend A was referred to as a "slutty whore" when bride felt Friend A was too friendly with her groom. Bride notes that Friend A cannot even attend the wedding in case her friend was to hit on the groom on the wedding day.
Give me a break.
b) Friends B and C are not allowed to the stagette because they are also getting married this summer. Bride says she does not want them to come, nor to know any details because she doesn't want them to "compare" theirs and hers, copy ideas, and furthermore, they're not even friends anymore because those bitches "chose wedding dates in MY wedding month. I've been engaged 2 months longer, they should have picked a different month to get married. I can't believe they would do that to me"
6. As the maid of honour, I was told that my job during the photo shoot, and consequential pre-reception drinking would be to babysit the bride's daughter. She would drink champagne, and I would feed Junior mushed carrots.
7. The groom's sister was not allowed in the wedding party because she was "too fat" and the bride wanted nice wedding photos.
8. Groom had to un-invite his best friend from the wedding party because he "smoked too much weed and would be squinty-eyed throughout the entire ceremony".
9. Bride was appalled when her father refused to pay an extra $2000 for an ice sculpture.
10. Close friend was not allowed in the wedding party because "She's 30 and not married and will probably ruin my day because she's jelous. Well, she never said that but if I were her I'd be worried and jelous of me".
The best part is that new stories come up every day.
I understand engagement is an exciting time. The level of selfishness and bitchiness that accompanies this exciting time is, in my mind, inexcusable. Keep up the work ladies, and you'll be lucky if anyone shows up....
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daugter Relationship
Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationship
Again, Matt C has provided an incredibly insightful contribution to this work. This lesson was written by Matt, with only a few minor additions from myself. Its beautiful, and a crucial "need-to-know" for all boyfriends out there!
I think we need to tackle the subject matter of the complicated mother-daughter relationship - which no guy will ever understand. In the ideal situation the mother and daughter get along fine - but there's plenty of times when the family matriarch of the girl you love begins to overstep her boundaries. Rather than dealing with the situation on her own, your girlfriend may be the type to suddenly engulf you in a situation that is not of your own doing.
Again, Matt C has provided an incredibly insightful contribution to this work. This lesson was written by Matt, with only a few minor additions from myself. Its beautiful, and a crucial "need-to-know" for all boyfriends out there!
I think we need to tackle the subject matter of the complicated mother-daughter relationship - which no guy will ever understand. In the ideal situation the mother and daughter get along fine - but there's plenty of times when the family matriarch of the girl you love begins to overstep her boundaries. Rather than dealing with the situation on her own, your girlfriend may be the type to suddenly engulf you in a situation that is not of your own doing.
Lessons to stress:
A.Just because she bashes her mother, doesn't mean that you get to (unless there's a restraining order against the mother, but anything short of this keep reading). As the male your essential role is to simply nod and empathize no matter how impotent and ridiculous this behaviour appears.
B.And if she asks for your opinion don't be so stupid as to give it! This is a central relationship trap. Stating what is obvious and right is actually irrational and wrong for you. Insulting the mother commits you to a position and remember, even though your girlfriend might be comparing her mother to Hitler at the moment, 9 out of 10 times she'll have forgotten she said it by the end of the week. Meanwhile, she will ALWAYS remember if you make such a remark and you'll be held accountable for your views long after the issue with her mother is resolved.
C. In fact, in the complicated world of mother daughter relations, your words can and will be utilized against you. For example, your girlfriend may become so exasperated with her mother that she may use your interpretations as evidence against her mother... "Even JOHN says you are a atypical overbearing matriarchal vampire!!" Long after the issue has been resolved...and it will... suddenly you're made to account for things which were never supposed to be heard by the mother. Try dealing with this awkwardness once you're obliged to go to one of the compulsary events (weddings, graduations, birthdays) where her mother shows up and she's heard your views.
Instead, do the following....
1. Give her chocolate. Unless your girlfriend has the eating habits of a horse, this will
a) force her to stop talking by having something else in her mouth and will cause her to enter a more stoic frame of mind and will thus cause her to enter a more reflective state of mind
b) the endorphines that the chocolate releases may upset the bad vibes that the mother daughter interaction has caused - possibly resulting in a creative moment that solves the issue.
As well...
2.Go out for a walk. Environment change is always good during conflict situations. Being in public has a calming effect for most people (not all but most people).
Lastly... after the first two steps are completed...
3. Pull an escape act that Houdini would be proud of. The key to this part is not making it apparent that you actually are escaping. Absence is the best policy sometimes and allows for growth. Remember, she can't grow in your shade.
1. Give her chocolate. Unless your girlfriend has the eating habits of a horse, this will
a) force her to stop talking by having something else in her mouth and will cause her to enter a more stoic frame of mind and will thus cause her to enter a more reflective state of mind
b) the endorphines that the chocolate releases may upset the bad vibes that the mother daughter interaction has caused - possibly resulting in a creative moment that solves the issue.
As well...
2.Go out for a walk. Environment change is always good during conflict situations. Being in public has a calming effect for most people (not all but most people).
Lastly... after the first two steps are completed...
3. Pull an escape act that Houdini would be proud of. The key to this part is not making it apparent that you actually are escaping. Absence is the best policy sometimes and allows for growth. Remember, she can't grow in your shade.
Furthermore by abstaining from verbalizing your judgements about her mother your girl will be forced to draw her own conclusions which is part of the maturation process of a female anyway. If the issues with her mother become so overwhelming that it's unhealthy; that's what shrinks, the clergy and as a last resort, social workers and family lawyers are for. Not you...you are the chocolate provider, shoulder to cry on, hands to massage her, and if you're lucky, the outlet for her pent up frustrations to (hopefully) be taken care of behind the bedroom door.
Question from the guy: What if I'm asked my opinion about the mother's behaviour and I really believe that the lady is behaving in a manner that would make Stalin pee his pants. Aren't I ethically obligated to comment?
Answer: No... if the issues are bad and deep enough then don't fool yourself into thinking your paternalism will solve anything - despite whatever similiarities and expertise you think you have from watching Dr. Phil. Remember, as a man your instinct is toward territorial protection which will not necessarily translate into the issue being solved peacefully. Telling your girlfriend to demand respect from her mother (while ideal) is useless if your gf hasn't got the personality type to back up such demands.
Advice: ADVERSION my friends! Give a bullshit answer even a politician would believe, and quickly distract her.
Advice: ADVERSION my friends! Give a bullshit answer even a politician would believe, and quickly distract her.
Question from the guy: What if I actually have the solution?
You may in fact ACTUALLY have the perfect solution to the problem ailing the relationship. Nevertheless, shut your mouth. And this makes complete sense because
a) if she doesn't learn to come up with solutions to her own problems then she'll be dependent on you. You really don't want this because over time it causes you to lose respect for her own abilities. It also increases the amount of time you must listen to her bitch about these things.
b) even if you solve the problem your girlfriend will grow to resent you if you solve her problems. She'll hate you because of her own dependency on your abilities.
c) the trick that most men aren't aware of is that there is NO solution. She's not asking you to help her. She's bitching to you because she needs to vent. This is one of those "listen and nod understandingly" times. If she wanted to talk to Dr. Phil she'd phone up her know-it-all best friend. Trust me. This isn't the time for problem-solving. Its the time for brownie-point collecting. For if you listen and "understand", she will brag about you at the next book club meeting, which scores you friends points, and although you don't get to choose when you will redeem all these brownie points, you will be happy when she chooses to cash them in for you. ;)
a) if she doesn't learn to come up with solutions to her own problems then she'll be dependent on you. You really don't want this because over time it causes you to lose respect for her own abilities. It also increases the amount of time you must listen to her bitch about these things.
b) even if you solve the problem your girlfriend will grow to resent you if you solve her problems. She'll hate you because of her own dependency on your abilities.
c) the trick that most men aren't aware of is that there is NO solution. She's not asking you to help her. She's bitching to you because she needs to vent. This is one of those "listen and nod understandingly" times. If she wanted to talk to Dr. Phil she'd phone up her know-it-all best friend. Trust me. This isn't the time for problem-solving. Its the time for brownie-point collecting. For if you listen and "understand", she will brag about you at the next book club meeting, which scores you friends points, and although you don't get to choose when you will redeem all these brownie points, you will be happy when she chooses to cash them in for you. ;)
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Lesson 5, 6, and 7: PMS, Wine, and Expectations
This next lesson was inspired by a male friend:
Matt C., being not only a man aware of societal gender roles and their implications, but also witty enough to challenge me at my own sarcastic game, has suggested that perhaps I be less threatening and more encouraging in my advice to men.
He also has taken note that I have neglected to deal with day to day specifics, a point well taken.
Therefore, lesson 5, like all my others will be riddled with gender stereotypes, but also will deal with day to day details men should know. Small details catered to those who co-habitate, and I'll try my best to be nice about it.
Lesson 5: PMS
Regardless of how frequently she uses the term "PMS", you are NOT to use this word. How then, can you be prepared for the nefarious effects of this time? To prepare yourself mentally, its important to realize that this phenomenon is generally emphemeral. Secondly, it is advisable that you know when to expect this behavior. Most women are fairly consistant in terms of cycling, unless of course you are, or spend extended periods of time with Nicole Myers.
Anticipate 3.5 weeks between these heightened periods of emotions. If you suck at counting, then you can cheat by looking at her birth control tablets. They're like a mini-calendar in her tolietry bag. However, be prepared if you plan on rooting through a woman's personal things. There are dangerous female items in there. Don't be alarmed if you ruffled past a tampon or eyelash curler. Stay focused. Find the package, count the dots, and remember for next time.
Do not assume that a grouchy mood means PMS. It very well could be any of the other emotional day women experience as indicated in lesson one. As Matt cleverly discovered on his own, it is best not to ask "Are you PMSing?". This will for sure lead to B.T.
Lesson 6: Wine, the key to a woman's....
What wines are appropriate for certain dinners on certain occasions?
a.Well men, the fact you were thoughtful enough to make dinner and accompanied by wine is generally enough to win a gold star on your Good Boyfriend Chart. There are of course, certain wines that go better with certain foods, but this is nothing that you need to commit to memory for two reasons:
(i) As a wine lover myself, there are certain types of wine that I prefer, and certain wines I do not. I personally dislike a Shiraz, although typically this goes best with steak and other red meats. This clearly is a more important detail that knowing which wine goes best with which meal.
(ii) The woman at the LCBO is likely far more knowledgable than I, and the internet also provides a plethera of information on wine choices. By the way, "Wild vines" is not a wine, its moldy Kool-Aid. Avoid bottles with pictures of flowers or cartoon fruit on them.
b. If dining out and you'd like to spice up the evening, or get your girlfriend a little tipsy so your time at home later is well spent, you have the option of asking the server to recommend a bottle to you. Truthfully, the second year English major probably knows little to no more about those wines than you do, but at least you're not the one to blame if the bottle sucks.
Let me illustrate with one of my favorite examples from a fine piece of cinematography:
Harry: Excuse me, what's the soup de jour?
Waitress: Its the soup of the day
Harry: Mmmm, that's sounds good. I'll have that.
c. What occasions?
Very likely, every woman has their own special occation they like to celebrate. The general consensus is that it is important to remember her birthday and make some sort of effort on this particular occasion.
It is important to note that you must not complain. You can't arrange for elaborate plans and then complain half way through of the complications. Suck it up buttercup, its my birthday: the only day where I can legitimatly be selfish for 24 hours.
Other woman have said that alternative holidays are also important (Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween etc) however these are secondary.
Don't forget the birthday. It does not require a pinata party or trip to Paris to be special.
Lesson 7: Expectations
Compulsary activities--Here are a list of activities you are required to participate in, and activities that can be left to her girlfriends, or in some cases, the token gay friend.
You must:
~Attend important events of hers. This includes graduations, dinners, public events, high school reunions, weddings etc.~
+Don't complain. Don't ask why. She wants to show you. Or, to quote directly, "Yes, I feel the need for others to know just how fantastic my man is, and for him to treat me like gold in front of them. I had a shitty stint in HS and would love to show him off. 'Cause i'm a bitch like that."
+Its true. On occasions like this, you are the trophey boyfriend. Take it as a compliment.
Again, in the words of a wise woman, "Suck it up and put on a suit. You look hot. You make me look hot. I cannot go alone and have other couples out-hot us. It's all about perception, boys".
Unless you have interest, you do not need to participate in the following:
~Book clubs, ballet concerts, pilates class, trips to the spa, detailed conversations about feminine hygeine or health issues.~
You are also excused from the following:
~Making the bed, knowing proper masssage techniques, having any clue what aromatherapy means, being able to comment on Oprah's best-seller list.~
You are encourage to have the following:
Your own interests. We don't care if they are football or cooking, do your thang. So long as your interests "extend past the edge of your couch or your mother".
The truth is, girlfriends are like babies; they require a certain amount of things:
1. Baby is hungry.
Chocolate preferably.
2. Baby needs a nap.
Sometimes I really do. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired.
3. Baby wants attention or baby wants to play.
Sure, zerburps and tickles are maybe not the best choice, but cuddles and touching can never go wrong.
4. Baby is colicky.
I actually have no idea what colic is. I just know it makes babies cry and makes mothers pop ibprofen like its vitamin C. But the adult version is likely PMS. Refer to lessons one and five for more information.
Matt C., being not only a man aware of societal gender roles and their implications, but also witty enough to challenge me at my own sarcastic game, has suggested that perhaps I be less threatening and more encouraging in my advice to men.
He also has taken note that I have neglected to deal with day to day specifics, a point well taken.
Therefore, lesson 5, like all my others will be riddled with gender stereotypes, but also will deal with day to day details men should know. Small details catered to those who co-habitate, and I'll try my best to be nice about it.
Lesson 5: PMS
Regardless of how frequently she uses the term "PMS", you are NOT to use this word. How then, can you be prepared for the nefarious effects of this time? To prepare yourself mentally, its important to realize that this phenomenon is generally emphemeral. Secondly, it is advisable that you know when to expect this behavior. Most women are fairly consistant in terms of cycling, unless of course you are, or spend extended periods of time with Nicole Myers.
Anticipate 3.5 weeks between these heightened periods of emotions. If you suck at counting, then you can cheat by looking at her birth control tablets. They're like a mini-calendar in her tolietry bag. However, be prepared if you plan on rooting through a woman's personal things. There are dangerous female items in there. Don't be alarmed if you ruffled past a tampon or eyelash curler. Stay focused. Find the package, count the dots, and remember for next time.
Do not assume that a grouchy mood means PMS. It very well could be any of the other emotional day women experience as indicated in lesson one. As Matt cleverly discovered on his own, it is best not to ask "Are you PMSing?". This will for sure lead to B.T.
Lesson 6: Wine, the key to a woman's....
What wines are appropriate for certain dinners on certain occasions?
a.Well men, the fact you were thoughtful enough to make dinner and accompanied by wine is generally enough to win a gold star on your Good Boyfriend Chart. There are of course, certain wines that go better with certain foods, but this is nothing that you need to commit to memory for two reasons:
(i) As a wine lover myself, there are certain types of wine that I prefer, and certain wines I do not. I personally dislike a Shiraz, although typically this goes best with steak and other red meats. This clearly is a more important detail that knowing which wine goes best with which meal.
(ii) The woman at the LCBO is likely far more knowledgable than I, and the internet also provides a plethera of information on wine choices. By the way, "Wild vines" is not a wine, its moldy Kool-Aid. Avoid bottles with pictures of flowers or cartoon fruit on them.
b. If dining out and you'd like to spice up the evening, or get your girlfriend a little tipsy so your time at home later is well spent, you have the option of asking the server to recommend a bottle to you. Truthfully, the second year English major probably knows little to no more about those wines than you do, but at least you're not the one to blame if the bottle sucks.
Let me illustrate with one of my favorite examples from a fine piece of cinematography:
Harry: Excuse me, what's the soup de jour?
Waitress: Its the soup of the day
Harry: Mmmm, that's sounds good. I'll have that.
c. What occasions?
Very likely, every woman has their own special occation they like to celebrate. The general consensus is that it is important to remember her birthday and make some sort of effort on this particular occasion.
It is important to note that you must not complain. You can't arrange for elaborate plans and then complain half way through of the complications. Suck it up buttercup, its my birthday: the only day where I can legitimatly be selfish for 24 hours.
Other woman have said that alternative holidays are also important (Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween etc) however these are secondary.
Don't forget the birthday. It does not require a pinata party or trip to Paris to be special.
Lesson 7: Expectations
Compulsary activities--Here are a list of activities you are required to participate in, and activities that can be left to her girlfriends, or in some cases, the token gay friend.
You must:
~Attend important events of hers. This includes graduations, dinners, public events, high school reunions, weddings etc.~
+Don't complain. Don't ask why. She wants to show you. Or, to quote directly, "Yes, I feel the need for others to know just how fantastic my man is, and for him to treat me like gold in front of them. I had a shitty stint in HS and would love to show him off. 'Cause i'm a bitch like that."
+Its true. On occasions like this, you are the trophey boyfriend. Take it as a compliment.
Again, in the words of a wise woman, "Suck it up and put on a suit. You look hot. You make me look hot. I cannot go alone and have other couples out-hot us. It's all about perception, boys".
Unless you have interest, you do not need to participate in the following:
~Book clubs, ballet concerts, pilates class, trips to the spa, detailed conversations about feminine hygeine or health issues.~
You are also excused from the following:
~Making the bed, knowing proper masssage techniques, having any clue what aromatherapy means, being able to comment on Oprah's best-seller list.~
You are encourage to have the following:
Your own interests. We don't care if they are football or cooking, do your thang. So long as your interests "extend past the edge of your couch or your mother".
The truth is, girlfriends are like babies; they require a certain amount of things:
1. Baby is hungry.
Chocolate preferably.
2. Baby needs a nap.
Sometimes I really do. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired.
3. Baby wants attention or baby wants to play.
Sure, zerburps and tickles are maybe not the best choice, but cuddles and touching can never go wrong.
4. Baby is colicky.
I actually have no idea what colic is. I just know it makes babies cry and makes mothers pop ibprofen like its vitamin C. But the adult version is likely PMS. Refer to lessons one and five for more information.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Lesson 4: How to handle your drunk girlfriend at the bar
From an inspiring conversation with Kristy, the newest lesson is for those with needy girlfriends.
Pointers on how to avoid fighting at the bar. Or secret fighting at the bar.
1. When I am single, going to the bar serves a purpose. You get all slutted up, and shake your ass on the dance floor and watch the horny, creepy pervs around you stare and occationally make lame comments. But in a way its satisfying to know that someone finds you attractive, and you feel oh-so-powerful when you can give them a dirty look while continuing to be sexy with your girlfriends.
2. However, when in a relationship, you no longer want or need the creepos to feel that type of gratification. That's what your boyfriend is for. I mean, MY skantily clad body is what got you into the bar cover-free, the least you can do is look interested in me. Drinking your beer and staring off into space/looking bored is not what I want. I'm DRUNK you idiot. Play your cards right and we'll go home and I'll play Tigress. Stand and look bored, I'll feel fat, we'll be in a S.F. and you won't get anything but a sniffly girlfriend wearing all the clothes she possibly can in bed. The last and biggest mistake is for you to grab someone else's ass or take numerous photos of my friends with bigger boobs or sluttier outfits. I'm not just offended, but now I'm pissed off. And either we'll be fighting, or I will be finding the first creepo I can to buy me drinks and stare at my cleavage. Then we're in B.T. as I'm getting drunker via cheap drinks, more emotional because you made me feel ugly, and the situation is only going to get messier.
3. So what can you do?
(i) Stop rubbing uglies with random sluts on the dance floor. You know she's not wearing any panties and that's how chlamydia spreads you fool. Furthermore, she's probably 17 and therefore had to play some side tricks to get past the bouncer. You certainly don't want to share anything with those guys.
(ii) 20 minute rule. If 20 minutes has passed and you haven't reminded me that I'm hot, we're not having sex tonight. The reason being is when I'm drunk, I'm ultra-sensitive, ultra-horny, and you better be the fucking King of Compliments if you want VIP service later.
(iii) You want to check out other girls and flirt with my hot friends? No prob. But keep in mind where the line is. They certainly won't go home with you.
(iv) See the creepo edging his way towards the swam of beautiful women dancing with us? Give him "the look" and kindly ask him to leave. Its satisfying to know your boyfriend is willing to play chivalrous Prince Charming at times. Even "protective jelous boyfriend" lets us know you care. If you are in the corner playing Golden Tee with your schooner and sausage party entourage while I am being beautiful on the dance floor, I am concerned that you don't care, and YOU should be concerned that you left something so valuable unattended.
(v) If you've messed up. If I'm angry and drunk (or worse....crying) then its time to go home. With a stop for fast food. And whatever else I like. Remember to repeat the phrase, "I'm so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you.". Because you are. You're a giant fucking idiot. I'm fantastic, and believe me, I can get it elsewhere.
DO NOT....I repeat......DO NOT in a frusterated rage go "Stop it. You're not fat!". Yelling will not make things better. Of course I"m not fat, if I was fat the bouncers would not have let me in the bar. The problem is your indifferent, ignorant attitude has convinced me otherwise. This is the appropriate time NOT for yelling or lecturing, but rather for ass-kissing and coddling.
If you don't like it, fine. Go grind with the ugly tramps on the dance floor. Get yourself trichomonias or syphilis and then cry in your room because you just lost the best thing to happen to you...ME.
Or, be intelligent, take my advice, and make the most of your nights out with your drunken girlfriend. Make her feel sexy, and avoid making her feel fat. The rewards are plentiful.
Pointers on how to avoid fighting at the bar. Or secret fighting at the bar.
1. When I am single, going to the bar serves a purpose. You get all slutted up, and shake your ass on the dance floor and watch the horny, creepy pervs around you stare and occationally make lame comments. But in a way its satisfying to know that someone finds you attractive, and you feel oh-so-powerful when you can give them a dirty look while continuing to be sexy with your girlfriends.
2. However, when in a relationship, you no longer want or need the creepos to feel that type of gratification. That's what your boyfriend is for. I mean, MY skantily clad body is what got you into the bar cover-free, the least you can do is look interested in me. Drinking your beer and staring off into space/looking bored is not what I want. I'm DRUNK you idiot. Play your cards right and we'll go home and I'll play Tigress. Stand and look bored, I'll feel fat, we'll be in a S.F. and you won't get anything but a sniffly girlfriend wearing all the clothes she possibly can in bed. The last and biggest mistake is for you to grab someone else's ass or take numerous photos of my friends with bigger boobs or sluttier outfits. I'm not just offended, but now I'm pissed off. And either we'll be fighting, or I will be finding the first creepo I can to buy me drinks and stare at my cleavage. Then we're in B.T. as I'm getting drunker via cheap drinks, more emotional because you made me feel ugly, and the situation is only going to get messier.
3. So what can you do?
(i) Stop rubbing uglies with random sluts on the dance floor. You know she's not wearing any panties and that's how chlamydia spreads you fool. Furthermore, she's probably 17 and therefore had to play some side tricks to get past the bouncer. You certainly don't want to share anything with those guys.
(ii) 20 minute rule. If 20 minutes has passed and you haven't reminded me that I'm hot, we're not having sex tonight. The reason being is when I'm drunk, I'm ultra-sensitive, ultra-horny, and you better be the fucking King of Compliments if you want VIP service later.
(iii) You want to check out other girls and flirt with my hot friends? No prob. But keep in mind where the line is. They certainly won't go home with you.
(iv) See the creepo edging his way towards the swam of beautiful women dancing with us? Give him "the look" and kindly ask him to leave. Its satisfying to know your boyfriend is willing to play chivalrous Prince Charming at times. Even "protective jelous boyfriend" lets us know you care. If you are in the corner playing Golden Tee with your schooner and sausage party entourage while I am being beautiful on the dance floor, I am concerned that you don't care, and YOU should be concerned that you left something so valuable unattended.
(v) If you've messed up. If I'm angry and drunk (or worse....crying) then its time to go home. With a stop for fast food. And whatever else I like. Remember to repeat the phrase, "I'm so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you.". Because you are. You're a giant fucking idiot. I'm fantastic, and believe me, I can get it elsewhere.
DO NOT....I repeat......DO NOT in a frusterated rage go "Stop it. You're not fat!". Yelling will not make things better. Of course I"m not fat, if I was fat the bouncers would not have let me in the bar. The problem is your indifferent, ignorant attitude has convinced me otherwise. This is the appropriate time NOT for yelling or lecturing, but rather for ass-kissing and coddling.
If you don't like it, fine. Go grind with the ugly tramps on the dance floor. Get yourself trichomonias or syphilis and then cry in your room because you just lost the best thing to happen to you...ME.
Or, be intelligent, take my advice, and make the most of your nights out with your drunken girlfriend. Make her feel sexy, and avoid making her feel fat. The rewards are plentiful.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Lesson 3: Long Distance
This lesson is inspired by two of my high school g/fs. I myself have participated in three long distance relationships, each time swearing I would never do it again.
Lesson 3: Long Distance and Telephone Conversations
Perhaps I should first unpackage what long distance is for men. Long distance isn't always easy. But it is convenient. Let's make this clear:
You're a 20-something guy. You have buddies and a social life. You like to go out on your weekends and party, you also have work/school commitments during the week.
Having a long distance gf is convenient because:
a) You don't have to re-arrange your schedule. You give one hour per day in phone calls, texts, or instant messaging and you've put in your time.
b) This leaves the other 23 hours available for eating, work, sleeping, and of course SOCIAL life.
ex//Friday night rolls around. Boys are playing poker, getting drunk, and staying out late. You make an early evening call accompanied by a couple texts and you are good to go. NOW, if said gf lived in the same area as you, you definatly wouldn't be playing poker. You'd be spending money on dinner and then crying during the Notebook.
c)Long distance is also convenient because you are getting ass more often than you would if you didn't have a long distance girlfriend (LDGF). Because let's be honest, if your game isn't good enough to be a full-time jiggilo or male slut, then its not good enough to get you laid as often as you are with a LDGF.
d) Your LDGF is not around enough to notice you're a slob, that you can't really cook, or that you have large amounts of porn on your computer. Instead she enjoys Princess treatment once in awhile when you get to spend time with each other and make up time lost (read: you lucky bastard, hope you bought the econo pack of condoms)
For women, its an entirley different story:
a) She could get laid any night of the week she wanted to. She's not nearly as pathetic as you.
b)She likely puts in more than one hour per day. Thinking about you, worrying about you, planning stuff...
c) Because she's good at multi-tasking, she is more than capable of handling her social life and you. If you were around that is....
Its much easier to fuck up if you're living near each other. She sees you more often. She knows how you live. You're in contact more often which opens more opportunity to say stupid shit.
Therefore, in order to maximize the long distance positivism, here is a quick guide to telephone conversations:
1. Do not recap your day. Its boring. You're boring. No one wants to waste time with a boring man. Remember that she could go out and get some if she wanted. She doesn't. She has chosen to wait around for you. Don't screw this up by telling her about the TPS reports you have filed all day.
2. Discuss more meaningful things.Talk about nice memories from the past.
3. Gossip. Don't go overboard with this one. That's why women have gfs. But a little juicy news always rejuvniates the convo, so throw it in when necessary.
4. Compliments. And remind her how much you miss her. Nochalance can be misinterpreted as infedelity. Don't go down that road....
5. Designate phone times. That way the conversation can have meaning rather that you two merely simultaneously breathing together while she does laundry and you play a video game.
6. If necessary, you can develop code-speak to use when your roomate is listening on the conversation because he's a pathetic and horny loser. That way you feel comfortable, she gets the affection she needs, and the roomate is less likely to get off from listening to your conversations. Don't think this only happens to guys...I have a story about the girl I lived with in Quebec. Get a life people!!
7. It is IMPERATIVE that you do not speak affectionatly about any women in your life that your gf is not best friends with or that you are not related to. For example "Suzie baked cookies for the office today and they are my favorite kind" translates into "Suzie from HR is sexy and I'm banging her in the photocopy room". I'm not kidding. There is to be NO speaking of unfamiliar women. Just don't do it.
Most importantly...listen and talk. Its a 50/50. You have to tell her about you, but you also need to listen. Especially if she's bitching. Don't be the problem-solver, be the boyfriend. Sit there, and take it. And shut your mouth.
Long distance isn't easy, but it IS easy to make a good impression. And as long as you can see a light at the end of your tunnel, things will be ok.
Lesson 3: Long Distance and Telephone Conversations
Perhaps I should first unpackage what long distance is for men. Long distance isn't always easy. But it is convenient. Let's make this clear:
You're a 20-something guy. You have buddies and a social life. You like to go out on your weekends and party, you also have work/school commitments during the week.
Having a long distance gf is convenient because:
a) You don't have to re-arrange your schedule. You give one hour per day in phone calls, texts, or instant messaging and you've put in your time.
b) This leaves the other 23 hours available for eating, work, sleeping, and of course SOCIAL life.
ex//Friday night rolls around. Boys are playing poker, getting drunk, and staying out late. You make an early evening call accompanied by a couple texts and you are good to go. NOW, if said gf lived in the same area as you, you definatly wouldn't be playing poker. You'd be spending money on dinner and then crying during the Notebook.
c)Long distance is also convenient because you are getting ass more often than you would if you didn't have a long distance girlfriend (LDGF). Because let's be honest, if your game isn't good enough to be a full-time jiggilo or male slut, then its not good enough to get you laid as often as you are with a LDGF.
d) Your LDGF is not around enough to notice you're a slob, that you can't really cook, or that you have large amounts of porn on your computer. Instead she enjoys Princess treatment once in awhile when you get to spend time with each other and make up time lost (read: you lucky bastard, hope you bought the econo pack of condoms)
For women, its an entirley different story:
a) She could get laid any night of the week she wanted to. She's not nearly as pathetic as you.
b)She likely puts in more than one hour per day. Thinking about you, worrying about you, planning stuff...
c) Because she's good at multi-tasking, she is more than capable of handling her social life and you. If you were around that is....
Its much easier to fuck up if you're living near each other. She sees you more often. She knows how you live. You're in contact more often which opens more opportunity to say stupid shit.
Therefore, in order to maximize the long distance positivism, here is a quick guide to telephone conversations:
1. Do not recap your day. Its boring. You're boring. No one wants to waste time with a boring man. Remember that she could go out and get some if she wanted. She doesn't. She has chosen to wait around for you. Don't screw this up by telling her about the TPS reports you have filed all day.
2. Discuss more meaningful things.Talk about nice memories from the past.
3. Gossip. Don't go overboard with this one. That's why women have gfs. But a little juicy news always rejuvniates the convo, so throw it in when necessary.
4. Compliments. And remind her how much you miss her. Nochalance can be misinterpreted as infedelity. Don't go down that road....
5. Designate phone times. That way the conversation can have meaning rather that you two merely simultaneously breathing together while she does laundry and you play a video game.
6. If necessary, you can develop code-speak to use when your roomate is listening on the conversation because he's a pathetic and horny loser. That way you feel comfortable, she gets the affection she needs, and the roomate is less likely to get off from listening to your conversations. Don't think this only happens to guys...I have a story about the girl I lived with in Quebec. Get a life people!!
7. It is IMPERATIVE that you do not speak affectionatly about any women in your life that your gf is not best friends with or that you are not related to. For example "Suzie baked cookies for the office today and they are my favorite kind" translates into "Suzie from HR is sexy and I'm banging her in the photocopy room". I'm not kidding. There is to be NO speaking of unfamiliar women. Just don't do it.
Most importantly...listen and talk. Its a 50/50. You have to tell her about you, but you also need to listen. Especially if she's bitching. Don't be the problem-solver, be the boyfriend. Sit there, and take it. And shut your mouth.
Long distance isn't easy, but it IS easy to make a good impression. And as long as you can see a light at the end of your tunnel, things will be ok.
Lesson 2: Living Space
Let me tell you that it doens't matter how long you've been together, there is NOTHING worse than showing up at your boyfriend's house to visit and having to use the "man bathroom". Hair, toothpaste, dust, pee on under side of toliet, dirty mirror, towels that aren't fresh......UGH.
Seriously....get out the Mr. Clean. While you're at it, put your sheets in the dryer with a couple of bounce sheets. Hide the playboys under your bed. Light a candle.
Girls don't want slobs for boyfriends. If you don't do it, she will. And then she will feel like your mother, emptying your wastebaskets and wiping the counters. And since you would never sleep with your mother, its best to ensure that she feels like a girlfriend by avoiding any matronly sentiments that may arise from a dirty living space.
Seriously....get out the Mr. Clean. While you're at it, put your sheets in the dryer with a couple of bounce sheets. Hide the playboys under your bed. Light a candle.
Girls don't want slobs for boyfriends. If you don't do it, she will. And then she will feel like your mother, emptying your wastebaskets and wiping the counters. And since you would never sleep with your mother, its best to ensure that she feels like a girlfriend by avoiding any matronly sentiments that may arise from a dirty living space.
Lesson 1: How to understand women
Life lesson number 1:
a)You will never understand women.
b) Women know this. Don't use the line "I understand" because to us, this translates into "I'm trying hard to get laid here."
c) If you can't understand, you can at least be prepared. I cannot explain these phenomena, however I have documented and classified several phases that most females experience. In italics I have included important need-to-knows that will prevent you from becoming frusterated.
Important concepts:
1. Fat days
I get them AT least twice a month. I'm not even talking about the 3 days of PMS bloating I endure. Guys don't get these. They are the absolute worst days because nothing anyone can say to you will make it better, and you are riddiculously over-sensitive. HOWEVER, it is important on these days that I am still reminded that I'm not fat. LIE TO ME if you need to. If you don't say anything I will assume you too think I'm fat and then we are in Big Trouble (B.T.)
Fat days don't mean that I am fat. I could possibly be thinner than the day previous. However, IN MY MIND I am fat, or fatter, and this is where the problem lies. It is crucial that you do not burst out in a frusterated rage screaming "You are not fat." This will lead to crying and other problems that will be discussed later.
2.Hungry days
Days where you are hungry no matter how much you eat. Ironically, these usually FOLLOW a Fat Day, so while you are starving all day, all you can think about is how you cried the previous day for being "fat" while literally drooling walking past the pizza outlet in the student centre. These are days where I find putting cutouts of fitness model on my fridge door are a good reminder that my entire tub of choclate gelato does not need to be eaten in one sitting.
For men, it is best to approach these days with caution. Usually my "hunger" can be ignored if there is a diversion or distraction. If however I mention wanting some french fries, now is NOT the time to remind me of the deal we made about junk food. Smile, buy the french fries, and remind me how terrific you think I am.
3. Sexy days
These don't happen nearly as often as they should. I should maybe call them "Sexy Nights" because for me they usually only happen when I'm shitfaced at the bar and am definatly NOT sexy but 5 shots of tequila have convinced me otherwise.
This hardly needs explanation. Enjoy these evenings. Be cautious as they often lead to #5. Also note that however pleasant these times are, there is no need to turn your girlfriend into a raging alcoholic just because you like the emotional side effects.
4. Sensitive days
These happen often in correlation with Fat Days, but not always. Sometimes, not even when you're PMSing. That is the worst as your boyfriend or close aquaintences are not on guard because they don't expect you to be sensitive and they usually address the situation in an INsensitive manner, causing one of two scenarios:
a) crying. which you can't explain why. you're just crying, and you have no idea wtf is going on, but there are tears streaming and you feel really, really sorry for yourself.
b)Secret Fights. S.F.s occur when your boyfriend fucks up and says something stupid but doesn't know that it was stupid or that it hurt your feelings, so in YOUR mind you are having a fight and in his mind he cannot figure out why you are quiet or don't want to have sex.
Two options:
(i) Hugs. Accompanied by whatever sorts of chocolate I want, and go rent the Notebook. Do not complain. Do not not flinch. Make me think it was your idea. Then sit there and watch it with me. While hugging me.
(ii) Leave me a note that reminds me how much you love me and how beautiful I am. Then get out. I will be crying for several hours and if you can't handle the heat, stay out of the fire. If you are at all concerned about fucking up, stay away. Or we will for sure be in B.T.?
5. Excitable days
Otherwise known as days when you DO want sex. Lots of it. Now if your boyfriend is clever he won't question this and call in sick to work. If your boyfriend is a dumbass he will go "Why are you so horny today?" which will likely offend you in a way that will either start a S.F. or you to put your sweater back on and say "What, are you saying I'm some sort of ho?". Again, now we are in B.T.
6. Irritable days
Nothing can please you. Nothing tastes good, you can't sleep, you toss and turn, you don't want to go out and do anything, but you're bored senseless sitting at home.
Solution? I would advice ice cream. Or a massage. Probably not a good idea to note how "fussy" I am. This also will lead to a S.F. but more likely will excalade into an angry outburst where my iritable energy can now be targeted at YOU who at that moment I hate.
These are a few situations to watch out for. Do not try to understand. I've spent 23 years trying to understand myself. Its just something that must be accepted....
a)You will never understand women.
b) Women know this. Don't use the line "I understand" because to us, this translates into "I'm trying hard to get laid here."
c) If you can't understand, you can at least be prepared. I cannot explain these phenomena, however I have documented and classified several phases that most females experience. In italics I have included important need-to-knows that will prevent you from becoming frusterated.
Important concepts:
1. Fat days
I get them AT least twice a month. I'm not even talking about the 3 days of PMS bloating I endure. Guys don't get these. They are the absolute worst days because nothing anyone can say to you will make it better, and you are riddiculously over-sensitive. HOWEVER, it is important on these days that I am still reminded that I'm not fat. LIE TO ME if you need to. If you don't say anything I will assume you too think I'm fat and then we are in Big Trouble (B.T.)
Fat days don't mean that I am fat. I could possibly be thinner than the day previous. However, IN MY MIND I am fat, or fatter, and this is where the problem lies. It is crucial that you do not burst out in a frusterated rage screaming "You are not fat." This will lead to crying and other problems that will be discussed later.
2.Hungry days
Days where you are hungry no matter how much you eat. Ironically, these usually FOLLOW a Fat Day, so while you are starving all day, all you can think about is how you cried the previous day for being "fat" while literally drooling walking past the pizza outlet in the student centre. These are days where I find putting cutouts of fitness model on my fridge door are a good reminder that my entire tub of choclate gelato does not need to be eaten in one sitting.
For men, it is best to approach these days with caution. Usually my "hunger" can be ignored if there is a diversion or distraction. If however I mention wanting some french fries, now is NOT the time to remind me of the deal we made about junk food. Smile, buy the french fries, and remind me how terrific you think I am.
3. Sexy days
These don't happen nearly as often as they should. I should maybe call them "Sexy Nights" because for me they usually only happen when I'm shitfaced at the bar and am definatly NOT sexy but 5 shots of tequila have convinced me otherwise.
This hardly needs explanation. Enjoy these evenings. Be cautious as they often lead to #5. Also note that however pleasant these times are, there is no need to turn your girlfriend into a raging alcoholic just because you like the emotional side effects.
4. Sensitive days
These happen often in correlation with Fat Days, but not always. Sometimes, not even when you're PMSing. That is the worst as your boyfriend or close aquaintences are not on guard because they don't expect you to be sensitive and they usually address the situation in an INsensitive manner, causing one of two scenarios:
a) crying. which you can't explain why. you're just crying, and you have no idea wtf is going on, but there are tears streaming and you feel really, really sorry for yourself.
b)Secret Fights. S.F.s occur when your boyfriend fucks up and says something stupid but doesn't know that it was stupid or that it hurt your feelings, so in YOUR mind you are having a fight and in his mind he cannot figure out why you are quiet or don't want to have sex.
Two options:
(i) Hugs. Accompanied by whatever sorts of chocolate I want, and go rent the Notebook. Do not complain. Do not not flinch. Make me think it was your idea. Then sit there and watch it with me. While hugging me.
(ii) Leave me a note that reminds me how much you love me and how beautiful I am. Then get out. I will be crying for several hours and if you can't handle the heat, stay out of the fire. If you are at all concerned about fucking up, stay away. Or we will for sure be in B.T.?
5. Excitable days
Otherwise known as days when you DO want sex. Lots of it. Now if your boyfriend is clever he won't question this and call in sick to work. If your boyfriend is a dumbass he will go "Why are you so horny today?" which will likely offend you in a way that will either start a S.F. or you to put your sweater back on and say "What, are you saying I'm some sort of ho?". Again, now we are in B.T.
6. Irritable days
Nothing can please you. Nothing tastes good, you can't sleep, you toss and turn, you don't want to go out and do anything, but you're bored senseless sitting at home.
Solution? I would advice ice cream. Or a massage. Probably not a good idea to note how "fussy" I am. This also will lead to a S.F. but more likely will excalade into an angry outburst where my iritable energy can now be targeted at YOU who at that moment I hate.
These are a few situations to watch out for. Do not try to understand. I've spent 23 years trying to understand myself. Its just something that must be accepted....
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