I know some of you reading these regularly find some of my lessons glaringly obvious. However, every now and then I realize that certain seemingly clear rules of etiquette must be explicitly reviewed.
Therefore, lesson twelve is on spitting.
A brief overview from Wikipedia:
Spitting is the act of forcibly ejecting saliva or other substances from the mouth. In Europe and North America, the action of spitting has become popular and "cool" amoung teenagers as a sign of contempt or frustration at society in general, or often at higher powers such as the law. Spitting upon another person, especially onto their face, is a universal sign of anger, hatred, and contempt. It is possible to transmit infectious diseases through spitting.
Now that we've covered what (specifically) I am discussing, we can move onto why this particular act is unacceptable.
1. As mentioned, it is possible to transmit infectious disease through this act. During the outbreak of major flu epidemics in Europe in the 18th century, spitting became a socially unacceptable act because of its obvious health risks.
2. However, I would be willing to say that there are VERY few and specific situations in which spitting would be deemed acceptable:
a) If and only IF you are a professional boxer, it is in the 4th round of the championship match which is being televised, and you trainer offers you a bucket because you are bleeding from the mouth. In this situation, spitting is acceptable. Mostly because I hate boxing, and never watch it on T.V. so I don't actually have to witness this disgusting act of spitting.
b)If you are a marathon runner. Understandably after 30km, your body is under some extreme duress and if necessary you may eject your saliva. Just make sure that you do so into those disposable Gatorade cups or a tissue. Other people have to tread over that same road surface you know!
c) At the dentist, and only per the dental assistant's instruction. They have that little sterilized sink for these purposes.
Contrary to popular belief, spitting is neither "cool" nor is it an effective way of performing masculinity. Its gross. It makes me gag, and it is repugnant. Please refrain from doing it outside of the boxing ring or the dentist's office.
I have also compiled a short list of different types of spitting, just so readers are aware of how many undignified ways there are to perform such an act:
i. The back-of-throat-toothpaste spit.
This usually is heard in the morning. Now, let's be clear.
I understand that most men have a regular routine of peeing, farting, and teeth-brushing in the morning, but this act is just unacceptable.
There is nothing worse than enjoying my Cheerios only to be disturbed by this disgusting sound.
I actually find that male roommates are just as culpable as boyfriends, consorts, or sexy overlords.
Here's the deal: invest in some Listerine if you have a plaque problem.
ii. The nose-sniff-turned-throat-scrape spit.
I just gagged typing that. *Dry heave*
That's how awful this particular type of spitting is.
I don't care if you're sick. Get a Kleenex.
This is often combined with Type I, for the ultimate gross-out.
Don't. Just don't.
iii. The summer day out-the-car-window spit.
I get it. Spitting takes some practice and coordination. I've tried and usually wound up slobbering all over myself. Nonetheless, it is repulsive to have someone with their window down "huck a loogie" next to you at the set of lights.
Its even worse if I'm riding in the car with you. I'm so embarrassed, I would actually rather lie down in the backseat to avoid anyone seeing me with someone performing such a revolting act.
iv. The lazy spit.
This is when you are too lazy to swallow your own saliva, and let it drip out in that disgustingly slow stream while making a corresponding noise.
*Shudder*
v. The spite spit.
Where you spit in an inappropriate manner in public, either to spite someone who has pissed you off, or worse, to spite me because you know how much it bothers me. Oh you better believe you'll be making up for this big time if you Spite Spit me!
vi. The baseball spit.
Unlike the above mentioned athletic activities, I do not condone spitting in baseball.
It is usually due to chewing tobacco which is even more foul than cigarette smoking, but which is somehow still culturally perpetuated through the sport.
Try Bubbalicious. It at least smells fruity, won't cause cancer or stain your teeth, and keeps the dugouts semi-sanitary.
The bottom line is that I do not know any woman who finds this attractive. I actually don't even know any woman who finds spitting tolerable.
No spitting. That is all.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Lesson 10: Footwear in bed
A lesson I thought was obvious, apparently needs further clarification.
I'm sure this is not a problem for all women, but it certainly resonates with a large portion of the demographic.
Men:
Do not wear socks to bed.
Its very simple. Just take them off.
Now, I understand there are some situation where this proves more difficult than I've stated.
For example, after a formal event, you head back to a hypothetical apartment and things heat up. Generally the tie is removed and buttons undone with ease. At this point, its fair to say that tugging at the belt indicates some sort of sexual activity will take place.
Do not get so eager as to forget your socks!
A suggestion from another annonymous friend who, for privacy sake I shall refer to as Matt Gravelle, is that while making your way into a horizontal position, that you slide the socks off with your opposite foot.
Or, if necessary, quickly reach down and remove them. Nothing kills the mood like a naked man wearing only socks.
I mean, let's be honest...even Tom Cruise looked like a dumbass wearing a white tee and sweatsocks.
Q: Is it all types of socks, or are certain kinds of socks acceptable?
Well, I am very particular about socks. MY sock hierarchy (high to low) for the opposite sex goes as follows:
Ankle cut white sport socks
Low cut white sport socks
Dress socks (only acceptable with dress wear)
Black sweat socks
Grey sweat socks
Mid-calf or longer white sweat socks
Grandpa's golf socks
Angora or wool socks
Toe socks (yes I have seen men wearing these)
If you are going to wear socks, that's fine. There are times and places to wear socks. There are two fixed times and places you are NOT to wear any socks:
a) In bed.
b) With sandals. This included Birkenstocks. I don't care how lefty/hippy/radical you think you are, sock and sandals were never meant to be together.
So, in conclusion,
A: No. Socks are never to be worn in bed.
A story:
After an evening of heavy drinking, I roll over in a shared hotel room to discover the man in the other bed (whom I thought was both classy and tasteful) in his underwear and BLACK DRESS SOCKS. After dry heaving for a few minutes, I broke into a rage, and still shudder thinking of that traumatizing incident.
Ace has learned his lesson, and so should all of you:
SOCKS IN BED=no-no.
However, there is an interesting twist to this lesson:
As much as I would prefer my man wear no footwear at all, the rule cannot state that NO footwear in bed is allowed. This clause, however, is gendered.
Women too, are prohibited from wearing socks in bed, but I have yet to find opposition about high heels in bed.
Football cleats, running shoes, or even slippers are not sexy on a man, but you better believe that my black strappy stillettos are a big hit with my matching black lacy underthings. I also have these cute metallic heels with little bows that also coordinate nicely with select "evening wear".
So I'm sorry boys, but your feet are going to have to go naked in bed. No socks, no shoes, just feet.
As for women, socks are not allowed, but I think you might enjoy leaving the heels on...
I'm sure this is not a problem for all women, but it certainly resonates with a large portion of the demographic.
Men:
Do not wear socks to bed.
Its very simple. Just take them off.
Now, I understand there are some situation where this proves more difficult than I've stated.
For example, after a formal event, you head back to a hypothetical apartment and things heat up. Generally the tie is removed and buttons undone with ease. At this point, its fair to say that tugging at the belt indicates some sort of sexual activity will take place.
Do not get so eager as to forget your socks!
A suggestion from another annonymous friend who, for privacy sake I shall refer to as Matt Gravelle, is that while making your way into a horizontal position, that you slide the socks off with your opposite foot.
Or, if necessary, quickly reach down and remove them. Nothing kills the mood like a naked man wearing only socks.
I mean, let's be honest...even Tom Cruise looked like a dumbass wearing a white tee and sweatsocks.
Q: Is it all types of socks, or are certain kinds of socks acceptable?
Well, I am very particular about socks. MY sock hierarchy (high to low) for the opposite sex goes as follows:
Ankle cut white sport socks
Low cut white sport socks
Dress socks (only acceptable with dress wear)
Black sweat socks
Grey sweat socks
Mid-calf or longer white sweat socks
Grandpa's golf socks
Angora or wool socks
Toe socks (yes I have seen men wearing these)
If you are going to wear socks, that's fine. There are times and places to wear socks. There are two fixed times and places you are NOT to wear any socks:
a) In bed.
b) With sandals. This included Birkenstocks. I don't care how lefty/hippy/radical you think you are, sock and sandals were never meant to be together.
So, in conclusion,
A: No. Socks are never to be worn in bed.
A story:
After an evening of heavy drinking, I roll over in a shared hotel room to discover the man in the other bed (whom I thought was both classy and tasteful) in his underwear and BLACK DRESS SOCKS. After dry heaving for a few minutes, I broke into a rage, and still shudder thinking of that traumatizing incident.
Ace has learned his lesson, and so should all of you:
SOCKS IN BED=no-no.
However, there is an interesting twist to this lesson:
As much as I would prefer my man wear no footwear at all, the rule cannot state that NO footwear in bed is allowed. This clause, however, is gendered.
Women too, are prohibited from wearing socks in bed, but I have yet to find opposition about high heels in bed.
Football cleats, running shoes, or even slippers are not sexy on a man, but you better believe that my black strappy stillettos are a big hit with my matching black lacy underthings. I also have these cute metallic heels with little bows that also coordinate nicely with select "evening wear".
So I'm sorry boys, but your feet are going to have to go naked in bed. No socks, no shoes, just feet.
As for women, socks are not allowed, but I think you might enjoy leaving the heels on...
Monday, March 26, 2007
Lesson 9: The Bridezilla
Bridezilla. Such a funny, yet appropriate term.
To avoid getting myself into B.T., I will try to make this as generalized as possible.
But I felt the need to share interesting bridesmaid/maid of honour antidotes.
How is this applicable for men? Its not really. Unless of course your g/f gets suckered into being a bridesmaid. Which btw means extra pressure on you when she gets to see all her friends married, and more importantly, decked out in bling bling on their fingers. Sigh, yes, I guess this very much does involve you. But not in the same way I've been involved. I have seen a whole new level of bitch.
So, the summer of 2007 seems to be the summer for marriage. Saying this, I happen to personally know 6 friends getting married in one summer.
So far are my favorite (and by favorite, I mean outlandish) stories of these brides-to-be:
1. Bridesmaids must wear full-strap dresses. This is to ensure the bride is not showed up by any of her bridal party. It does not matter if the pictures of the wedding party are hideous due to ugly costuming, it only matters that the bride shows skin and her ladies in waiting do not.
2. Receiving bulk email wedding announcements and then having angry brides complain that no one PERSONALLY called or sent cards. The nerve of people, eh?
3. Bridesmaids must wear long dresses even though it is the peak of summer, and tea-length dresses are at least semi-reusable. Reasons listed were as follows:
a) One of the bridesmaids is "too fat" to wear a short dress and the bride doesn't want ugly wedding photos of her fat cousin showing her "man-calves".
b) The wedding is "traditional" and the Anglican church of Canada would look down on showing skin....this of course does not include the sweetheart, boobie-pushup bride gown with the low-cut back. This also doesn't include the fact that the bride is neither Anglican nor God-fearing. In fact, if the Anglican church were to know about her college experiences, they probably wouldn't let the ho-train in the building....
c) Bridesmaid #3 is too short to wear a short dress. Or too tall. Or her legs look better than the bride.
4. For the overly-prepared bride, I was given a Microsoft Excel sheet of girls allowed at the stagette.
5. This list did not include past friends who had pissed off said bride for the following reasons:
a) Friend A was referred to as a "slutty whore" when bride felt Friend A was too friendly with her groom. Bride notes that Friend A cannot even attend the wedding in case her friend was to hit on the groom on the wedding day.
Give me a break.
b) Friends B and C are not allowed to the stagette because they are also getting married this summer. Bride says she does not want them to come, nor to know any details because she doesn't want them to "compare" theirs and hers, copy ideas, and furthermore, they're not even friends anymore because those bitches "chose wedding dates in MY wedding month. I've been engaged 2 months longer, they should have picked a different month to get married. I can't believe they would do that to me"
6. As the maid of honour, I was told that my job during the photo shoot, and consequential pre-reception drinking would be to babysit the bride's daughter. She would drink champagne, and I would feed Junior mushed carrots.
7. The groom's sister was not allowed in the wedding party because she was "too fat" and the bride wanted nice wedding photos.
8. Groom had to un-invite his best friend from the wedding party because he "smoked too much weed and would be squinty-eyed throughout the entire ceremony".
9. Bride was appalled when her father refused to pay an extra $2000 for an ice sculpture.
10. Close friend was not allowed in the wedding party because "She's 30 and not married and will probably ruin my day because she's jelous. Well, she never said that but if I were her I'd be worried and jelous of me".
The best part is that new stories come up every day.
I understand engagement is an exciting time. The level of selfishness and bitchiness that accompanies this exciting time is, in my mind, inexcusable. Keep up the work ladies, and you'll be lucky if anyone shows up....
To avoid getting myself into B.T., I will try to make this as generalized as possible.
But I felt the need to share interesting bridesmaid/maid of honour antidotes.
How is this applicable for men? Its not really. Unless of course your g/f gets suckered into being a bridesmaid. Which btw means extra pressure on you when she gets to see all her friends married, and more importantly, decked out in bling bling on their fingers. Sigh, yes, I guess this very much does involve you. But not in the same way I've been involved. I have seen a whole new level of bitch.
So, the summer of 2007 seems to be the summer for marriage. Saying this, I happen to personally know 6 friends getting married in one summer.
So far are my favorite (and by favorite, I mean outlandish) stories of these brides-to-be:
1. Bridesmaids must wear full-strap dresses. This is to ensure the bride is not showed up by any of her bridal party. It does not matter if the pictures of the wedding party are hideous due to ugly costuming, it only matters that the bride shows skin and her ladies in waiting do not.
2. Receiving bulk email wedding announcements and then having angry brides complain that no one PERSONALLY called or sent cards. The nerve of people, eh?
3. Bridesmaids must wear long dresses even though it is the peak of summer, and tea-length dresses are at least semi-reusable. Reasons listed were as follows:
a) One of the bridesmaids is "too fat" to wear a short dress and the bride doesn't want ugly wedding photos of her fat cousin showing her "man-calves".
b) The wedding is "traditional" and the Anglican church of Canada would look down on showing skin....this of course does not include the sweetheart, boobie-pushup bride gown with the low-cut back. This also doesn't include the fact that the bride is neither Anglican nor God-fearing. In fact, if the Anglican church were to know about her college experiences, they probably wouldn't let the ho-train in the building....
c) Bridesmaid #3 is too short to wear a short dress. Or too tall. Or her legs look better than the bride.
4. For the overly-prepared bride, I was given a Microsoft Excel sheet of girls allowed at the stagette.
5. This list did not include past friends who had pissed off said bride for the following reasons:
a) Friend A was referred to as a "slutty whore" when bride felt Friend A was too friendly with her groom. Bride notes that Friend A cannot even attend the wedding in case her friend was to hit on the groom on the wedding day.
Give me a break.
b) Friends B and C are not allowed to the stagette because they are also getting married this summer. Bride says she does not want them to come, nor to know any details because she doesn't want them to "compare" theirs and hers, copy ideas, and furthermore, they're not even friends anymore because those bitches "chose wedding dates in MY wedding month. I've been engaged 2 months longer, they should have picked a different month to get married. I can't believe they would do that to me"
6. As the maid of honour, I was told that my job during the photo shoot, and consequential pre-reception drinking would be to babysit the bride's daughter. She would drink champagne, and I would feed Junior mushed carrots.
7. The groom's sister was not allowed in the wedding party because she was "too fat" and the bride wanted nice wedding photos.
8. Groom had to un-invite his best friend from the wedding party because he "smoked too much weed and would be squinty-eyed throughout the entire ceremony".
9. Bride was appalled when her father refused to pay an extra $2000 for an ice sculpture.
10. Close friend was not allowed in the wedding party because "She's 30 and not married and will probably ruin my day because she's jelous. Well, she never said that but if I were her I'd be worried and jelous of me".
The best part is that new stories come up every day.
I understand engagement is an exciting time. The level of selfishness and bitchiness that accompanies this exciting time is, in my mind, inexcusable. Keep up the work ladies, and you'll be lucky if anyone shows up....
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daugter Relationship
Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationship
Again, Matt C has provided an incredibly insightful contribution to this work. This lesson was written by Matt, with only a few minor additions from myself. Its beautiful, and a crucial "need-to-know" for all boyfriends out there!
I think we need to tackle the subject matter of the complicated mother-daughter relationship - which no guy will ever understand. In the ideal situation the mother and daughter get along fine - but there's plenty of times when the family matriarch of the girl you love begins to overstep her boundaries. Rather than dealing with the situation on her own, your girlfriend may be the type to suddenly engulf you in a situation that is not of your own doing.
Again, Matt C has provided an incredibly insightful contribution to this work. This lesson was written by Matt, with only a few minor additions from myself. Its beautiful, and a crucial "need-to-know" for all boyfriends out there!
I think we need to tackle the subject matter of the complicated mother-daughter relationship - which no guy will ever understand. In the ideal situation the mother and daughter get along fine - but there's plenty of times when the family matriarch of the girl you love begins to overstep her boundaries. Rather than dealing with the situation on her own, your girlfriend may be the type to suddenly engulf you in a situation that is not of your own doing.
Lessons to stress:
A.Just because she bashes her mother, doesn't mean that you get to (unless there's a restraining order against the mother, but anything short of this keep reading). As the male your essential role is to simply nod and empathize no matter how impotent and ridiculous this behaviour appears.
B.And if she asks for your opinion don't be so stupid as to give it! This is a central relationship trap. Stating what is obvious and right is actually irrational and wrong for you. Insulting the mother commits you to a position and remember, even though your girlfriend might be comparing her mother to Hitler at the moment, 9 out of 10 times she'll have forgotten she said it by the end of the week. Meanwhile, she will ALWAYS remember if you make such a remark and you'll be held accountable for your views long after the issue with her mother is resolved.
C. In fact, in the complicated world of mother daughter relations, your words can and will be utilized against you. For example, your girlfriend may become so exasperated with her mother that she may use your interpretations as evidence against her mother... "Even JOHN says you are a atypical overbearing matriarchal vampire!!" Long after the issue has been resolved...and it will... suddenly you're made to account for things which were never supposed to be heard by the mother. Try dealing with this awkwardness once you're obliged to go to one of the compulsary events (weddings, graduations, birthdays) where her mother shows up and she's heard your views.
Instead, do the following....
1. Give her chocolate. Unless your girlfriend has the eating habits of a horse, this will
a) force her to stop talking by having something else in her mouth and will cause her to enter a more stoic frame of mind and will thus cause her to enter a more reflective state of mind
b) the endorphines that the chocolate releases may upset the bad vibes that the mother daughter interaction has caused - possibly resulting in a creative moment that solves the issue.
As well...
2.Go out for a walk. Environment change is always good during conflict situations. Being in public has a calming effect for most people (not all but most people).
Lastly... after the first two steps are completed...
3. Pull an escape act that Houdini would be proud of. The key to this part is not making it apparent that you actually are escaping. Absence is the best policy sometimes and allows for growth. Remember, she can't grow in your shade.
1. Give her chocolate. Unless your girlfriend has the eating habits of a horse, this will
a) force her to stop talking by having something else in her mouth and will cause her to enter a more stoic frame of mind and will thus cause her to enter a more reflective state of mind
b) the endorphines that the chocolate releases may upset the bad vibes that the mother daughter interaction has caused - possibly resulting in a creative moment that solves the issue.
As well...
2.Go out for a walk. Environment change is always good during conflict situations. Being in public has a calming effect for most people (not all but most people).
Lastly... after the first two steps are completed...
3. Pull an escape act that Houdini would be proud of. The key to this part is not making it apparent that you actually are escaping. Absence is the best policy sometimes and allows for growth. Remember, she can't grow in your shade.
Furthermore by abstaining from verbalizing your judgements about her mother your girl will be forced to draw her own conclusions which is part of the maturation process of a female anyway. If the issues with her mother become so overwhelming that it's unhealthy; that's what shrinks, the clergy and as a last resort, social workers and family lawyers are for. Not you...you are the chocolate provider, shoulder to cry on, hands to massage her, and if you're lucky, the outlet for her pent up frustrations to (hopefully) be taken care of behind the bedroom door.
Question from the guy: What if I'm asked my opinion about the mother's behaviour and I really believe that the lady is behaving in a manner that would make Stalin pee his pants. Aren't I ethically obligated to comment?
Answer: No... if the issues are bad and deep enough then don't fool yourself into thinking your paternalism will solve anything - despite whatever similiarities and expertise you think you have from watching Dr. Phil. Remember, as a man your instinct is toward territorial protection which will not necessarily translate into the issue being solved peacefully. Telling your girlfriend to demand respect from her mother (while ideal) is useless if your gf hasn't got the personality type to back up such demands.
Advice: ADVERSION my friends! Give a bullshit answer even a politician would believe, and quickly distract her.
Advice: ADVERSION my friends! Give a bullshit answer even a politician would believe, and quickly distract her.
Question from the guy: What if I actually have the solution?
You may in fact ACTUALLY have the perfect solution to the problem ailing the relationship. Nevertheless, shut your mouth. And this makes complete sense because
a) if she doesn't learn to come up with solutions to her own problems then she'll be dependent on you. You really don't want this because over time it causes you to lose respect for her own abilities. It also increases the amount of time you must listen to her bitch about these things.
b) even if you solve the problem your girlfriend will grow to resent you if you solve her problems. She'll hate you because of her own dependency on your abilities.
c) the trick that most men aren't aware of is that there is NO solution. She's not asking you to help her. She's bitching to you because she needs to vent. This is one of those "listen and nod understandingly" times. If she wanted to talk to Dr. Phil she'd phone up her know-it-all best friend. Trust me. This isn't the time for problem-solving. Its the time for brownie-point collecting. For if you listen and "understand", she will brag about you at the next book club meeting, which scores you friends points, and although you don't get to choose when you will redeem all these brownie points, you will be happy when she chooses to cash them in for you. ;)
a) if she doesn't learn to come up with solutions to her own problems then she'll be dependent on you. You really don't want this because over time it causes you to lose respect for her own abilities. It also increases the amount of time you must listen to her bitch about these things.
b) even if you solve the problem your girlfriend will grow to resent you if you solve her problems. She'll hate you because of her own dependency on your abilities.
c) the trick that most men aren't aware of is that there is NO solution. She's not asking you to help her. She's bitching to you because she needs to vent. This is one of those "listen and nod understandingly" times. If she wanted to talk to Dr. Phil she'd phone up her know-it-all best friend. Trust me. This isn't the time for problem-solving. Its the time for brownie-point collecting. For if you listen and "understand", she will brag about you at the next book club meeting, which scores you friends points, and although you don't get to choose when you will redeem all these brownie points, you will be happy when she chooses to cash them in for you. ;)
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Lesson 5, 6, and 7: PMS, Wine, and Expectations
This next lesson was inspired by a male friend:
Matt C., being not only a man aware of societal gender roles and their implications, but also witty enough to challenge me at my own sarcastic game, has suggested that perhaps I be less threatening and more encouraging in my advice to men.
He also has taken note that I have neglected to deal with day to day specifics, a point well taken.
Therefore, lesson 5, like all my others will be riddled with gender stereotypes, but also will deal with day to day details men should know. Small details catered to those who co-habitate, and I'll try my best to be nice about it.
Lesson 5: PMS
Regardless of how frequently she uses the term "PMS", you are NOT to use this word. How then, can you be prepared for the nefarious effects of this time? To prepare yourself mentally, its important to realize that this phenomenon is generally emphemeral. Secondly, it is advisable that you know when to expect this behavior. Most women are fairly consistant in terms of cycling, unless of course you are, or spend extended periods of time with Nicole Myers.
Anticipate 3.5 weeks between these heightened periods of emotions. If you suck at counting, then you can cheat by looking at her birth control tablets. They're like a mini-calendar in her tolietry bag. However, be prepared if you plan on rooting through a woman's personal things. There are dangerous female items in there. Don't be alarmed if you ruffled past a tampon or eyelash curler. Stay focused. Find the package, count the dots, and remember for next time.
Do not assume that a grouchy mood means PMS. It very well could be any of the other emotional day women experience as indicated in lesson one. As Matt cleverly discovered on his own, it is best not to ask "Are you PMSing?". This will for sure lead to B.T.
Lesson 6: Wine, the key to a woman's....
What wines are appropriate for certain dinners on certain occasions?
a.Well men, the fact you were thoughtful enough to make dinner and accompanied by wine is generally enough to win a gold star on your Good Boyfriend Chart. There are of course, certain wines that go better with certain foods, but this is nothing that you need to commit to memory for two reasons:
(i) As a wine lover myself, there are certain types of wine that I prefer, and certain wines I do not. I personally dislike a Shiraz, although typically this goes best with steak and other red meats. This clearly is a more important detail that knowing which wine goes best with which meal.
(ii) The woman at the LCBO is likely far more knowledgable than I, and the internet also provides a plethera of information on wine choices. By the way, "Wild vines" is not a wine, its moldy Kool-Aid. Avoid bottles with pictures of flowers or cartoon fruit on them.
b. If dining out and you'd like to spice up the evening, or get your girlfriend a little tipsy so your time at home later is well spent, you have the option of asking the server to recommend a bottle to you. Truthfully, the second year English major probably knows little to no more about those wines than you do, but at least you're not the one to blame if the bottle sucks.
Let me illustrate with one of my favorite examples from a fine piece of cinematography:
Harry: Excuse me, what's the soup de jour?
Waitress: Its the soup of the day
Harry: Mmmm, that's sounds good. I'll have that.
c. What occasions?
Very likely, every woman has their own special occation they like to celebrate. The general consensus is that it is important to remember her birthday and make some sort of effort on this particular occasion.
It is important to note that you must not complain. You can't arrange for elaborate plans and then complain half way through of the complications. Suck it up buttercup, its my birthday: the only day where I can legitimatly be selfish for 24 hours.
Other woman have said that alternative holidays are also important (Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween etc) however these are secondary.
Don't forget the birthday. It does not require a pinata party or trip to Paris to be special.
Lesson 7: Expectations
Compulsary activities--Here are a list of activities you are required to participate in, and activities that can be left to her girlfriends, or in some cases, the token gay friend.
You must:
~Attend important events of hers. This includes graduations, dinners, public events, high school reunions, weddings etc.~
+Don't complain. Don't ask why. She wants to show you. Or, to quote directly, "Yes, I feel the need for others to know just how fantastic my man is, and for him to treat me like gold in front of them. I had a shitty stint in HS and would love to show him off. 'Cause i'm a bitch like that."
+Its true. On occasions like this, you are the trophey boyfriend. Take it as a compliment.
Again, in the words of a wise woman, "Suck it up and put on a suit. You look hot. You make me look hot. I cannot go alone and have other couples out-hot us. It's all about perception, boys".
Unless you have interest, you do not need to participate in the following:
~Book clubs, ballet concerts, pilates class, trips to the spa, detailed conversations about feminine hygeine or health issues.~
You are also excused from the following:
~Making the bed, knowing proper masssage techniques, having any clue what aromatherapy means, being able to comment on Oprah's best-seller list.~
You are encourage to have the following:
Your own interests. We don't care if they are football or cooking, do your thang. So long as your interests "extend past the edge of your couch or your mother".
The truth is, girlfriends are like babies; they require a certain amount of things:
1. Baby is hungry.
Chocolate preferably.
2. Baby needs a nap.
Sometimes I really do. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired.
3. Baby wants attention or baby wants to play.
Sure, zerburps and tickles are maybe not the best choice, but cuddles and touching can never go wrong.
4. Baby is colicky.
I actually have no idea what colic is. I just know it makes babies cry and makes mothers pop ibprofen like its vitamin C. But the adult version is likely PMS. Refer to lessons one and five for more information.
Matt C., being not only a man aware of societal gender roles and their implications, but also witty enough to challenge me at my own sarcastic game, has suggested that perhaps I be less threatening and more encouraging in my advice to men.
He also has taken note that I have neglected to deal with day to day specifics, a point well taken.
Therefore, lesson 5, like all my others will be riddled with gender stereotypes, but also will deal with day to day details men should know. Small details catered to those who co-habitate, and I'll try my best to be nice about it.
Lesson 5: PMS
Regardless of how frequently she uses the term "PMS", you are NOT to use this word. How then, can you be prepared for the nefarious effects of this time? To prepare yourself mentally, its important to realize that this phenomenon is generally emphemeral. Secondly, it is advisable that you know when to expect this behavior. Most women are fairly consistant in terms of cycling, unless of course you are, or spend extended periods of time with Nicole Myers.
Anticipate 3.5 weeks between these heightened periods of emotions. If you suck at counting, then you can cheat by looking at her birth control tablets. They're like a mini-calendar in her tolietry bag. However, be prepared if you plan on rooting through a woman's personal things. There are dangerous female items in there. Don't be alarmed if you ruffled past a tampon or eyelash curler. Stay focused. Find the package, count the dots, and remember for next time.
Do not assume that a grouchy mood means PMS. It very well could be any of the other emotional day women experience as indicated in lesson one. As Matt cleverly discovered on his own, it is best not to ask "Are you PMSing?". This will for sure lead to B.T.
Lesson 6: Wine, the key to a woman's....
What wines are appropriate for certain dinners on certain occasions?
a.Well men, the fact you were thoughtful enough to make dinner and accompanied by wine is generally enough to win a gold star on your Good Boyfriend Chart. There are of course, certain wines that go better with certain foods, but this is nothing that you need to commit to memory for two reasons:
(i) As a wine lover myself, there are certain types of wine that I prefer, and certain wines I do not. I personally dislike a Shiraz, although typically this goes best with steak and other red meats. This clearly is a more important detail that knowing which wine goes best with which meal.
(ii) The woman at the LCBO is likely far more knowledgable than I, and the internet also provides a plethera of information on wine choices. By the way, "Wild vines" is not a wine, its moldy Kool-Aid. Avoid bottles with pictures of flowers or cartoon fruit on them.
b. If dining out and you'd like to spice up the evening, or get your girlfriend a little tipsy so your time at home later is well spent, you have the option of asking the server to recommend a bottle to you. Truthfully, the second year English major probably knows little to no more about those wines than you do, but at least you're not the one to blame if the bottle sucks.
Let me illustrate with one of my favorite examples from a fine piece of cinematography:
Harry: Excuse me, what's the soup de jour?
Waitress: Its the soup of the day
Harry: Mmmm, that's sounds good. I'll have that.
c. What occasions?
Very likely, every woman has their own special occation they like to celebrate. The general consensus is that it is important to remember her birthday and make some sort of effort on this particular occasion.
It is important to note that you must not complain. You can't arrange for elaborate plans and then complain half way through of the complications. Suck it up buttercup, its my birthday: the only day where I can legitimatly be selfish for 24 hours.
Other woman have said that alternative holidays are also important (Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween etc) however these are secondary.
Don't forget the birthday. It does not require a pinata party or trip to Paris to be special.
Lesson 7: Expectations
Compulsary activities--Here are a list of activities you are required to participate in, and activities that can be left to her girlfriends, or in some cases, the token gay friend.
You must:
~Attend important events of hers. This includes graduations, dinners, public events, high school reunions, weddings etc.~
+Don't complain. Don't ask why. She wants to show you. Or, to quote directly, "Yes, I feel the need for others to know just how fantastic my man is, and for him to treat me like gold in front of them. I had a shitty stint in HS and would love to show him off. 'Cause i'm a bitch like that."
+Its true. On occasions like this, you are the trophey boyfriend. Take it as a compliment.
Again, in the words of a wise woman, "Suck it up and put on a suit. You look hot. You make me look hot. I cannot go alone and have other couples out-hot us. It's all about perception, boys".
Unless you have interest, you do not need to participate in the following:
~Book clubs, ballet concerts, pilates class, trips to the spa, detailed conversations about feminine hygeine or health issues.~
You are also excused from the following:
~Making the bed, knowing proper masssage techniques, having any clue what aromatherapy means, being able to comment on Oprah's best-seller list.~
You are encourage to have the following:
Your own interests. We don't care if they are football or cooking, do your thang. So long as your interests "extend past the edge of your couch or your mother".
The truth is, girlfriends are like babies; they require a certain amount of things:
1. Baby is hungry.
Chocolate preferably.
2. Baby needs a nap.
Sometimes I really do. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired.
3. Baby wants attention or baby wants to play.
Sure, zerburps and tickles are maybe not the best choice, but cuddles and touching can never go wrong.
4. Baby is colicky.
I actually have no idea what colic is. I just know it makes babies cry and makes mothers pop ibprofen like its vitamin C. But the adult version is likely PMS. Refer to lessons one and five for more information.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)