Lesson 16: Bitchy brides and weddings (part 2)

Summer is here! The weather is hot, the sun is shining, and wedding season is approaching quickly.

Months ago, I wrote about a few bitchy bridal antidotes, and the list continues to grow. The appalling things I have witnessed now extend past the bride, to other wedding party members, namely the In-laws.

Bitchy bridal experience #11
Planning the shower. Upon several suggestions, one including the bride choosing large, more expensive items for the shower if guests wanted to pool for gifts, the bride reminded me that "The shower is to SHOWER me with gifts. People shouldn't be scrimping on getting me nice things, that's just rude."
Point taken, I guess there goes my savings for fall tuition.

BB #12
For the stagette, I suggested that we make matching tshirts for attendees. Bride refuses, stating that ONLY the bridal party can have matching shirts. "I left (Friend C) out of the bridal party for a reason and I don't want her to feel included in the shower, so she cannot have anything that the bridal party is getting."

BB#13
Ring flaunting. Bride tells me story of how at a restaurant she sees an old friend from college. Bride flashes her ring and then proceeds to tell Old Friend, "Hmph. Guess mine is a lot bigger than yours", before tossing hair and walking away. In disbelief I asked her "Why would you do that?" and she responded, "Because I can."


BB#14
Bride is complaining that she cannot find any suitable lingerie for the wedding as "Its all too big on me. I mean, not only fat girls get married." She then goes on to tell me about a cute teddy she found that would have fit "Someone YOUR size, but practically fell off me."

BB#15
Shower games drafts must be submitted to bride prior to shower. Both her fiancee and future in-laws are clueless that she was a tramp in college, and anything that might reveal the fact she not only slept around in university, but had a corresponding reputation, is to be prohibited.

The other fascinating creatures in weddings are the mother-in-laws.
MIL #1
I am handed a date, a list of 25 people, and told that I am in charge of a shower that I must host at my mother's house from the MIL.
*Now, I have no qualms about hosting a shower, however I feel that the date, location, and guest list should be at my discretion*

MIL#2
After 5 women declined from said shower, the MIL promptly invited five replacement relatives (distant relatives), to ensure that "They get enough gifts from their registry".
Keep in mind that the shower in question is 90% relatives from groom's side, and 10% friends and family from bride's side. *I will now have to host a second shower for those that I couldn't invite to the first due to lack of space with so many weirdo old women invited by the MIL*

I also have made the following observations about weddings in general:
1. If you work in a bridal shop, they must ask on the application: "Are you a giant bitch?"
If you check "Yes", then you get the job.
2. Bride rivalries seem to be a common theme. Once engaged, brides seem to have the following expectations:
a. They will be the only wedding in the world using a particular song for their wedding. COME ON. Everyone walks down the aisle to Pachebel in D. You cannot throw a hissy fit if someone else wants to use it.
b. That people will only want to discuss YOUR wedding.
c. That everyone else envies you. And wants to stare at your ring.
Apparently getting married is the apex of being feminine.
d. The colours you choose, flower arrangements, centerpieces, etc. will be original to your wedding.
3. Weddings are probably far more enjoyable as a male.
-You rent a tux.
-You book a tee time and drink beers for the stag.
-Your girlfriend worries about choosing the wedding gift.
-The groom will not freak out about what hair style you choose or insist that you tan 3 months prior to pictures.


I am fully confident that if or when I choose to get married, I will elope. No showers, no flowers, no expensive dresses never to be worn again, no invitation making, no crash-dieting, no insane MIL, no caterer, no mandatory marriage classes in a church, no expensive hair and makeup appointments, no uncomfortable receiving line with unknown relatives.....

Let me summarize with Lesson 15:
The "fairy tale wedding" is a crock of shit. Hallmark has successfully pulled off the greatest scam in history: making women world-wide believe that weddings are magical and the most special day in a woman's life.
Weddings in fact are an expensive year's worth of stress. No one forewarns of the hassles involved in wedding planning.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that a wedding day is special. Just don't forget the other 11 months worth of financing and preparation that are far from "magical".