Lesson 1: How to understand women

Life lesson number 1:
a)You will never understand women.
b) Women know this. Don't use the line "I understand" because to us, this translates into "I'm trying hard to get laid here."
c) If you can't understand, you can at least be prepared. I cannot explain these phenomena, however I have documented and classified several phases that most females experience. In italics I have included important need-to-knows that will prevent you from becoming frusterated.
Important concepts:
1. Fat days
I get them AT least twice a month. I'm not even talking about the 3 days of PMS bloating I endure. Guys don't get these. They are the absolute worst days because nothing anyone can say to you will make it better, and you are riddiculously over-sensitive. HOWEVER, it is important on these days that I am still reminded that I'm not fat. LIE TO ME if you need to. If you don't say anything I will assume you too think I'm fat and then we are in Big Trouble (B.T.)
Fat days don't mean that I am fat. I could possibly be thinner than the day previous. However, IN MY MIND I am fat, or fatter, and this is where the problem lies. It is crucial that you do not burst out in a frusterated rage screaming "You are not fat." This will lead to crying and other problems that will be discussed later.

2.Hungry days
Days where you are hungry no matter how much you eat. Ironically, these usually FOLLOW a Fat Day, so while you are starving all day, all you can think about is how you cried the previous day for being "fat" while literally drooling walking past the pizza outlet in the student centre. These are days where I find putting cutouts of fitness model on my fridge door are a good reminder that my entire tub of choclate gelato does not need to be eaten in one sitting.
For men, it is best to approach these days with caution. Usually my "hunger" can be ignored if there is a diversion or distraction. If however I mention wanting some french fries, now is NOT the time to remind me of the deal we made about junk food. Smile, buy the french fries, and remind me how terrific you think I am.

3. Sexy days
These don't happen nearly as often as they should. I should maybe call them "Sexy Nights" because for me they usually only happen when I'm shitfaced at the bar and am definatly NOT sexy but 5 shots of tequila have convinced me otherwise.
This hardly needs explanation. Enjoy these evenings. Be cautious as they often lead to #5. Also note that however pleasant these times are, there is no need to turn your girlfriend into a raging alcoholic just because you like the emotional side effects.

4. Sensitive days
These happen often in correlation with Fat Days, but not always. Sometimes, not even when you're PMSing. That is the worst as your boyfriend or close aquaintences are not on guard because they don't expect you to be sensitive and they usually address the situation in an INsensitive manner, causing one of two scenarios:
a) crying. which you can't explain why. you're just crying, and you have no idea wtf is going on, but there are tears streaming and you feel really, really sorry for yourself.
b)Secret Fights. S.F.s occur when your boyfriend fucks up and says something stupid but doesn't know that it was stupid or that it hurt your feelings, so in YOUR mind you are having a fight and in his mind he cannot figure out why you are quiet or don't want to have sex.
Two options:
(i) Hugs. Accompanied by whatever sorts of chocolate I want, and go rent the Notebook. Do not complain. Do not not flinch. Make me think it was your idea. Then sit there and watch it with me. While hugging me.
(ii) Leave me a note that reminds me how much you love me and how beautiful I am. Then get out. I will be crying for several hours and if you can't handle the heat, stay out of the fire. If you are at all concerned about fucking up, stay away. Or we will for sure be in B.T.?

5. Excitable days
Otherwise known as days when you DO want sex. Lots of it. Now if your boyfriend is clever he won't question this and call in sick to work. If your boyfriend is a dumbass he will go "Why are you so horny today?" which will likely offend you in a way that will either start a S.F. or you to put your sweater back on and say "What, are you saying I'm some sort of ho?". Again, now we are in B.T.

6. Irritable days
Nothing can please you. Nothing tastes good, you can't sleep, you toss and turn, you don't want to go out and do anything, but you're bored senseless sitting at home.
Solution? I would advice ice cream. Or a massage. Probably not a good idea to note how "fussy" I am. This also will lead to a S.F. but more likely will excalade into an angry outburst where my iritable energy can now be targeted at YOU who at that moment I hate.

These are a few situations to watch out for. Do not try to understand. I've spent 23 years trying to understand myself. Its just something that must be accepted....