Lesson 4: How to handle your drunk girlfriend at the bar

From an inspiring conversation with Kristy, the newest lesson is for those with needy girlfriends.
Pointers on how to avoid fighting at the bar. Or secret fighting at the bar.
1. When I am single, going to the bar serves a purpose. You get all slutted up, and shake your ass on the dance floor and watch the horny, creepy pervs around you stare and occationally make lame comments. But in a way its satisfying to know that someone finds you attractive, and you feel oh-so-powerful when you can give them a dirty look while continuing to be sexy with your girlfriends.
2. However, when in a relationship, you no longer want or need the creepos to feel that type of gratification. That's what your boyfriend is for. I mean, MY skantily clad body is what got you into the bar cover-free, the least you can do is look interested in me. Drinking your beer and staring off into space/looking bored is not what I want. I'm DRUNK you idiot. Play your cards right and we'll go home and I'll play Tigress. Stand and look bored, I'll feel fat, we'll be in a S.F. and you won't get anything but a sniffly girlfriend wearing all the clothes she possibly can in bed. The last and biggest mistake is for you to grab someone else's ass or take numerous photos of my friends with bigger boobs or sluttier outfits. I'm not just offended, but now I'm pissed off. And either we'll be fighting, or I will be finding the first creepo I can to buy me drinks and stare at my cleavage. Then we're in B.T. as I'm getting drunker via cheap drinks, more emotional because you made me feel ugly, and the situation is only going to get messier.
3. So what can you do?
(i) Stop rubbing uglies with random sluts on the dance floor. You know she's not wearing any panties and that's how chlamydia spreads you fool. Furthermore, she's probably 17 and therefore had to play some side tricks to get past the bouncer. You certainly don't want to share anything with those guys.
(ii) 20 minute rule. If 20 minutes has passed and you haven't reminded me that I'm hot, we're not having sex tonight. The reason being is when I'm drunk, I'm ultra-sensitive, ultra-horny, and you better be the fucking King of Compliments if you want VIP service later.
(iii) You want to check out other girls and flirt with my hot friends? No prob. But keep in mind where the line is. They certainly won't go home with you.
(iv) See the creepo edging his way towards the swam of beautiful women dancing with us? Give him "the look" and kindly ask him to leave. Its satisfying to know your boyfriend is willing to play chivalrous Prince Charming at times. Even "protective jelous boyfriend" lets us know you care. If you are in the corner playing Golden Tee with your schooner and sausage party entourage while I am being beautiful on the dance floor, I am concerned that you don't care, and YOU should be concerned that you left something so valuable unattended.
(v) If you've messed up. If I'm angry and drunk (or worse....crying) then its time to go home. With a stop for fast food. And whatever else I like. Remember to repeat the phrase, "I'm so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you.". Because you are. You're a giant fucking idiot. I'm fantastic, and believe me, I can get it elsewhere.
DO NOT....I repeat......DO NOT in a frusterated rage go "Stop it. You're not fat!". Yelling will not make things better. Of course I"m not fat, if I was fat the bouncers would not have let me in the bar. The problem is your indifferent, ignorant attitude has convinced me otherwise. This is the appropriate time NOT for yelling or lecturing, but rather for ass-kissing and coddling.

If you don't like it, fine. Go grind with the ugly tramps on the dance floor. Get yourself trichomonias or syphilis and then cry in your room because you just lost the best thing to happen to you...ME.

Or, be intelligent, take my advice, and make the most of your nights out with your drunken girlfriend. Make her feel sexy, and avoid making her feel fat. The rewards are plentiful.