Lesson 3: Long Distance

This lesson is inspired by two of my high school g/fs. I myself have participated in three long distance relationships, each time swearing I would never do it again.
Lesson 3: Long Distance and Telephone Conversations
Perhaps I should first unpackage what long distance is for men. Long distance isn't always easy. But it is convenient. Let's make this clear:
You're a 20-something guy. You have buddies and a social life. You like to go out on your weekends and party, you also have work/school commitments during the week.
Having a long distance gf is convenient because:
a) You don't have to re-arrange your schedule. You give one hour per day in phone calls, texts, or instant messaging and you've put in your time.
b) This leaves the other 23 hours available for eating, work, sleeping, and of course SOCIAL life.
ex//Friday night rolls around. Boys are playing poker, getting drunk, and staying out late. You make an early evening call accompanied by a couple texts and you are good to go. NOW, if said gf lived in the same area as you, you definatly wouldn't be playing poker. You'd be spending money on dinner and then crying during the Notebook.
c)Long distance is also convenient because you are getting ass more often than you would if you didn't have a long distance girlfriend (LDGF). Because let's be honest, if your game isn't good enough to be a full-time jiggilo or male slut, then its not good enough to get you laid as often as you are with a LDGF.
d) Your LDGF is not around enough to notice you're a slob, that you can't really cook, or that you have large amounts of porn on your computer. Instead she enjoys Princess treatment once in awhile when you get to spend time with each other and make up time lost (read: you lucky bastard, hope you bought the econo pack of condoms)

For women, its an entirley different story:
a) She could get laid any night of the week she wanted to. She's not nearly as pathetic as you.
b)She likely puts in more than one hour per day. Thinking about you, worrying about you, planning stuff...
c) Because she's good at multi-tasking, she is more than capable of handling her social life and you. If you were around that is....

Its much easier to fuck up if you're living near each other. She sees you more often. She knows how you live. You're in contact more often which opens more opportunity to say stupid shit.

Therefore, in order to maximize the long distance positivism, here is a quick guide to telephone conversations:

1. Do not recap your day. Its boring. You're boring. No one wants to waste time with a boring man. Remember that she could go out and get some if she wanted. She doesn't. She has chosen to wait around for you. Don't screw this up by telling her about the TPS reports you have filed all day.

2. Discuss more meaningful things.Talk about nice memories from the past.

3. Gossip. Don't go overboard with this one. That's why women have gfs. But a little juicy news always rejuvniates the convo, so throw it in when necessary.

4. Compliments. And remind her how much you miss her. Nochalance can be misinterpreted as infedelity. Don't go down that road....

5. Designate phone times. That way the conversation can have meaning rather that you two merely simultaneously breathing together while she does laundry and you play a video game.

6. If necessary, you can develop code-speak to use when your roomate is listening on the conversation because he's a pathetic and horny loser. That way you feel comfortable, she gets the affection she needs, and the roomate is less likely to get off from listening to your conversations. Don't think this only happens to guys...I have a story about the girl I lived with in Quebec. Get a life people!!

7. It is IMPERATIVE that you do not speak affectionatly about any women in your life that your gf is not best friends with or that you are not related to. For example "Suzie baked cookies for the office today and they are my favorite kind" translates into "Suzie from HR is sexy and I'm banging her in the photocopy room". I'm not kidding. There is to be NO speaking of unfamiliar women. Just don't do it.

Most importantly...listen and talk. Its a 50/50. You have to tell her about you, but you also need to listen. Especially if she's bitching. Don't be the problem-solver, be the boyfriend. Sit there, and take it. And shut your mouth.

Long distance isn't easy, but it IS easy to make a good impression. And as long as you can see a light at the end of your tunnel, things will be ok.