Lesson 5, 6, and 7: PMS, Wine, and Expectations

This next lesson was inspired by a male friend:
Matt C., being not only a man aware of societal gender roles and their implications, but also witty enough to challenge me at my own sarcastic game, has suggested that perhaps I be less threatening and more encouraging in my advice to men.
He also has taken note that I have neglected to deal with day to day specifics, a point well taken.
Therefore, lesson 5, like all my others will be riddled with gender stereotypes, but also will deal with day to day details men should know. Small details catered to those who co-habitate, and I'll try my best to be nice about it.

Lesson 5: PMS
Regardless of how frequently she uses the term "PMS", you are NOT to use this word. How then, can you be prepared for the nefarious effects of this time? To prepare yourself mentally, its important to realize that this phenomenon is generally emphemeral. Secondly, it is advisable that you know when to expect this behavior. Most women are fairly consistant in terms of cycling, unless of course you are, or spend extended periods of time with Nicole Myers.

Anticipate 3.5 weeks between these heightened periods of emotions. If you suck at counting, then you can cheat by looking at her birth control tablets. They're like a mini-calendar in her tolietry bag. However, be prepared if you plan on rooting through a woman's personal things. There are dangerous female items in there. Don't be alarmed if you ruffled past a tampon or eyelash curler. Stay focused. Find the package, count the dots, and remember for next time.

Do not assume that a grouchy mood means PMS. It very well could be any of the other emotional day women experience as indicated in lesson one. As Matt cleverly discovered on his own, it is best not to ask "Are you PMSing?". This will for sure lead to B.T.

Lesson 6: Wine, the key to a woman's....
What wines are appropriate for certain dinners on certain occasions?

a.Well men, the fact you were thoughtful enough to make dinner and accompanied by wine is generally enough to win a gold star on your Good Boyfriend Chart. There are of course, certain wines that go better with certain foods, but this is nothing that you need to commit to memory for two reasons:

(i) As a wine lover myself, there are certain types of wine that I prefer, and certain wines I do not. I personally dislike a Shiraz, although typically this goes best with steak and other red meats. This clearly is a more important detail that knowing which wine goes best with which meal.
(ii) The woman at the LCBO is likely far more knowledgable than I, and the internet also provides a plethera of information on wine choices. By the way, "Wild vines" is not a wine, its moldy Kool-Aid. Avoid bottles with pictures of flowers or cartoon fruit on them.

b. If dining out and you'd like to spice up the evening, or get your girlfriend a little tipsy so your time at home later is well spent, you have the option of asking the server to recommend a bottle to you. Truthfully, the second year English major probably knows little to no more about those wines than you do, but at least you're not the one to blame if the bottle sucks.
Let me illustrate with one of my favorite examples from a fine piece of cinematography:
Harry: Excuse me, what's the soup de jour?
Waitress: Its the soup of the day
Harry: Mmmm, that's sounds good. I'll have that.

c. What occasions?
Very likely, every woman has their own special occation they like to celebrate. The general consensus is that it is important to remember her birthday and make some sort of effort on this particular occasion.
It is important to note that you must not complain. You can't arrange for elaborate plans and then complain half way through of the complications. Suck it up buttercup, its my birthday: the only day where I can legitimatly be selfish for 24 hours.
Other woman have said that alternative holidays are also important (Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween etc) however these are secondary.
Don't forget the birthday. It does not require a pinata party or trip to Paris to be special.

Lesson 7: Expectations
Compulsary activities--Here are a list of activities you are required to participate in, and activities that can be left to her girlfriends, or in some cases, the token gay friend.

You must:
~Attend important events of hers. This includes graduations, dinners, public events, high school reunions, weddings etc.~

+Don't complain. Don't ask why. She wants to show you. Or, to quote directly, "Yes, I feel the need for others to know just how fantastic my man is, and for him to treat me like gold in front of them. I had a shitty stint in HS and would love to show him off. 'Cause i'm a bitch like that."

+Its true. On occasions like this, you are the trophey boyfriend. Take it as a compliment.
Again, in the words of a wise woman, "Suck it up and put on a suit. You look hot. You make me look hot. I cannot go alone and have other couples out-hot us. It's all about perception, boys".

Unless you have interest, you do not need to participate in the following:
~Book clubs, ballet concerts, pilates class, trips to the spa, detailed conversations about feminine hygeine or health issues.~

You are also excused from the following:
~Making the bed, knowing proper masssage techniques, having any clue what aromatherapy means, being able to comment on Oprah's best-seller list.~

You are encourage to have the following:
Your own interests. We don't care if they are football or cooking, do your thang. So long as your interests "extend past the edge of your couch or your mother".

The truth is, girlfriends are like babies; they require a certain amount of things:
1. Baby is hungry.
Chocolate preferably.
2. Baby needs a nap.
Sometimes I really do. I'm a total bitch when I'm tired.
3. Baby wants attention or baby wants to play.
Sure, zerburps and tickles are maybe not the best choice, but cuddles and touching can never go wrong.
4. Baby is colicky.
I actually have no idea what colic is. I just know it makes babies cry and makes mothers pop ibprofen like its vitamin C. But the adult version is likely PMS. Refer to lessons one and five for more information.