Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daugter Relationship

Lesson 8: The Complicated Mother-Daughter Relationship
Again, Matt C has provided an incredibly insightful contribution to this work. This lesson was written by Matt, with only a few minor additions from myself. Its beautiful, and a crucial "need-to-know" for all boyfriends out there!

I think we need to tackle the subject matter of the complicated mother-daughter relationship - which no guy will ever understand. In the ideal situation the mother and daughter get along fine - but there's plenty of times when the family matriarch of the girl you love begins to overstep her boundaries. Rather than dealing with the situation on her own, your girlfriend may be the type to suddenly engulf you in a situation that is not of your own doing.

Lessons to stress:

A.Just because she bashes her mother, doesn't mean that you get to (unless there's a restraining order against the mother, but anything short of this keep reading). As the male your essential role is to simply nod and empathize no matter how impotent and ridiculous this behaviour appears.

B.And if she asks for your opinion don't be so stupid as to give it! This is a central relationship trap. Stating what is obvious and right is actually irrational and wrong for you. Insulting the mother commits you to a position and remember, even though your girlfriend might be comparing her mother to Hitler at the moment, 9 out of 10 times she'll have forgotten she said it by the end of the week. Meanwhile, she will ALWAYS remember if you make such a remark and you'll be held accountable for your views long after the issue with her mother is resolved.

C. In fact, in the complicated world of mother daughter relations, your words can and will be utilized against you. For example, your girlfriend may become so exasperated with her mother that she may use your interpretations as evidence against her mother... "Even JOHN says you are a atypical overbearing matriarchal vampire!!" Long after the issue has been resolved...and it will... suddenly you're made to account for things which were never supposed to be heard by the mother. Try dealing with this awkwardness once you're obliged to go to one of the compulsary events (weddings, graduations, birthdays) where her mother shows up and she's heard your views.

Instead, do the following....

1. Give her chocolate. Unless your girlfriend has the eating habits of a horse, this will
a) force her to stop talking by having something else in her mouth and will cause her to enter a more stoic frame of mind and will thus cause her to enter a more reflective state of mind
b) the endorphines that the chocolate releases may upset the bad vibes that the mother daughter interaction has caused - possibly resulting in a creative moment that solves the issue.

As well...
2.Go out for a walk. Environment change is always good during conflict situations. Being in public has a calming effect for most people (not all but most people).

Lastly... after the first two steps are completed...
3. Pull an escape act that Houdini would be proud of. The key to this part is not making it apparent that you actually are escaping. Absence is the best policy sometimes and allows for growth. Remember, she can't grow in your shade.

Furthermore by abstaining from verbalizing your judgements about her mother your girl will be forced to draw her own conclusions which is part of the maturation process of a female anyway. If the issues with her mother become so overwhelming that it's unhealthy; that's what shrinks, the clergy and as a last resort, social workers and family lawyers are for. Not you...you are the chocolate provider, shoulder to cry on, hands to massage her, and if you're lucky, the outlet for her pent up frustrations to (hopefully) be taken care of behind the bedroom door.

Question from the guy: What if I'm asked my opinion about the mother's behaviour and I really believe that the lady is behaving in a manner that would make Stalin pee his pants. Aren't I ethically obligated to comment?

Answer: No... if the issues are bad and deep enough then don't fool yourself into thinking your paternalism will solve anything - despite whatever similiarities and expertise you think you have from watching Dr. Phil. Remember, as a man your instinct is toward territorial protection which will not necessarily translate into the issue being solved peacefully. Telling your girlfriend to demand respect from her mother (while ideal) is useless if your gf hasn't got the personality type to back up such demands.

Advice: ADVERSION my friends! Give a bullshit answer even a politician would believe, and quickly distract her.

Question from the guy: What if I actually have the solution?

You may in fact ACTUALLY have the perfect solution to the problem ailing the relationship. Nevertheless, shut your mouth. And this makes complete sense because
a) if she doesn't learn to come up with solutions to her own problems then she'll be dependent on you. You really don't want this because over time it causes you to lose respect for her own abilities. It also increases the amount of time you must listen to her bitch about these things.
b) even if you solve the problem your girlfriend will grow to resent you if you solve her problems. She'll hate you because of her own dependency on your abilities.
c) the trick that most men aren't aware of is that there is NO solution. She's not asking you to help her. She's bitching to you because she needs to vent. This is one of those "listen and nod understandingly" times. If she wanted to talk to Dr. Phil she'd phone up her know-it-all best friend. Trust me. This isn't the time for problem-solving. Its the time for brownie-point collecting. For if you listen and "understand", she will brag about you at the next book club meeting, which scores you friends points, and although you don't get to choose when you will redeem all these brownie points, you will be happy when she chooses to cash them in for you. ;)