Lesson 11: Spitting

I know some of you reading these regularly find some of my lessons glaringly obvious. However, every now and then I realize that certain seemingly clear rules of etiquette must be explicitly reviewed.

Therefore, lesson twelve is on spitting.

A brief overview from Wikipedia:
Spitting is the act of forcibly ejecting saliva or other substances from the mouth. In Europe and North America, the action of spitting has become popular and "cool" amoung teenagers as a sign of contempt or frustration at society in general, or often at higher powers such as the law. Spitting upon another person, especially onto their face, is a universal sign of anger, hatred, and contempt. It is possible to transmit infectious diseases through spitting.

Now that we've covered what (specifically) I am discussing, we can move onto why this particular act is unacceptable.

1. As mentioned, it is possible to transmit infectious disease through this act. During the outbreak of major flu epidemics in Europe in the 18th century, spitting became a socially unacceptable act because of its obvious health risks.

2. However, I would be willing to say that there are VERY few and specific situations in which spitting would be deemed acceptable:

a) If and only IF you are a professional boxer, it is in the 4th round of the championship match which is being televised, and you trainer offers you a bucket because you are bleeding from the mouth. In this situation, spitting is acceptable. Mostly because I hate boxing, and never watch it on T.V. so I don't actually have to witness this disgusting act of spitting.

b)If you are a marathon runner. Understandably after 30km, your body is under some extreme duress and if necessary you may eject your saliva. Just make sure that you do so into those disposable Gatorade cups or a tissue. Other people have to tread over that same road surface you know!
c) At the dentist, and only per the dental assistant's instruction. They have that little sterilized sink for these purposes.

Contrary to popular belief, spitting is neither "cool" nor is it an effective way of performing masculinity. Its gross. It makes me gag, and it is repugnant. Please refrain from doing it outside of the boxing ring or the dentist's office.

I have also compiled a short list of different types of spitting, just so readers are aware of how many undignified ways there are to perform such an act:

i. The back-of-throat-toothpaste spit.
This usually is heard in the morning. Now, let's be clear.
I understand that most men have a regular routine of peeing, farting, and teeth-brushing in the morning, but this act is just unacceptable.
There is nothing worse than enjoying my Cheerios only to be disturbed by this disgusting sound.
I actually find that male roommates are just as culpable as boyfriends, consorts, or sexy overlords.
Here's the deal: invest in some Listerine if you have a plaque problem.

ii. The nose-sniff-turned-throat-scrape spit.
I just gagged typing that. *Dry heave*
That's how awful this particular type of spitting is.
I don't care if you're sick. Get a Kleenex.
This is often combined with Type I, for the ultimate gross-out.
Don't. Just don't.

iii. The summer day out-the-car-window spit.
I get it. Spitting takes some practice and coordination. I've tried and usually wound up slobbering all over myself. Nonetheless, it is repulsive to have someone with their window down "huck a loogie" next to you at the set of lights.
Its even worse if I'm riding in the car with you. I'm so embarrassed, I would actually rather lie down in the backseat to avoid anyone seeing me with someone performing such a revolting act.

iv. The lazy spit.
This is when you are too lazy to swallow your own saliva, and let it drip out in that disgustingly slow stream while making a corresponding noise.
*Shudder*

v. The spite spit.
Where you spit in an inappropriate manner in public, either to spite someone who has pissed you off, or worse, to spite me because you know how much it bothers me. Oh you better believe you'll be making up for this big time if you Spite Spit me!

vi. The baseball spit.
Unlike the above mentioned athletic activities, I do not condone spitting in baseball.
It is usually due to chewing tobacco which is even more foul than cigarette smoking, but which is somehow still culturally perpetuated through the sport.
Try Bubbalicious. It at least smells fruity, won't cause cancer or stain your teeth, and keeps the dugouts semi-sanitary.

The bottom line is that I do not know any woman who finds this attractive. I actually don't even know any woman who finds spitting tolerable.

No spitting. That is all.